In what experts are calling the “single greatest medical breakthrough since penicillin, sliced bread, and pre-exam adderall,” a study conducted in the Gilbert first floor kitchen has confirmed that a single cup of 2 a.m. ramen has the power to cure seasonal depression, fix your failing GPA, and reignite your Welcome Week situationship.
The discovery was made by two first-years reportedly returning from a devastatingly-mid night out at frat row where the only thing scored was a lingering sense of shame, a cheap Hawaiian necklace, and a half-full White Claw. Little did they know, however, their lives would change when they stumbled into the kitchen in search of an unattended takeout bag to steal from. That was when they reportedly discovered a package of “Marachaun Spicy Beef Ramen” left on one of the countertops.
“We were too sober to sleep, too depressed to function, and too broke to DoorDash, so we figured we would just try it and see what happened,” remarked one of the pair, who asked to remain anonymous.
After figuring out how to boil water in a tupperware container (it said “oven safe” on the packaging), adding in the noodles, and almost setting off the fire alarm twice, they finally consumed the ramen. Both reported immediate dramatic life improvements.
One of the pair spontaneously developed an immune system capable of combating the new forms of bacteria found in men’s communal bathrooms. The other reportedly managed to finish his Organic Chemistry homework without breaking down in tears and questioning why he didn’t major in Business.
“Look, we’re not saying anything is definitive,” Dr. Nick Stephens of University Health Services remarked. “But right now it seems like 2 a.m. hot ramen is the only thing that can both keep your mental state together and convince you that you’re capable of completing your calc problem set due at 8 a.m.”
While the FDA has yet to release official comments on the health benefits of instant ramen, UR Dining has already embraced the discovery by preemptively raising the price of ramen at Hillside to $15 per pack, citing “limited supply” and “student wellness.”
At the time of writing, one of the Sue B first-years was seen microwaving a ramen package for ten minutes before accidentally setting off the fire alarm.
