Recent rumors about monkeys living under Meliora Hall have been circulating around campus, so as part of the Campus Times, I have personally taken the responsibility to investigate the validity of the rumor.
Of course, this required me to check the basement while no human was there. Thus, I broke in at 4 a.m. At first, I heard nothing. So, I continued onward, further into the deep, dark, unknown abyss. I made my way down the large staircase to the basement, and those doors greeted me ominously. I instantly heard the distant squawking cries of something alive and moving.
After getting lost a couple times and turning some corner I didn’t even know existed, I saw them. The monkeys. They were trapped in a deep, dark, windowless room and seemed terrified by the sight of me. The more I looked at them, the more I felt that I was like them: trapped in a deep, dark, windowless room, unable to enjoy the weather outside. I saw the tests scattered around them preventing them from sleeping. One of the papers read “Math 162: Calculus IIA” and I instantly realized what was going on. These poor creatures were being experimented on to learn calculus, neuroscience, electrical circuitry, and art. They were staying up until 4 a.m. trying to figure out how to complete these wild assignments. Even worse, they were being forced to wake up at 9 a.m. for more experiments the next day.
I knew what needed to be done right then and there. They needed to be freed. I had to embody People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals and fix this unjust treatment of these animals. This monkey business needed to end. This is why I’m writing this article: to call all of you in support to free these monkeys. They need your help.
As I’m writing this article, I am in hiding. Public Safety discovered my intrusion and is now after me. Send love to my kids and to the monkeys.
