To Whom it May Concern,
It has come to my attention that my fellow editor, Brian Ly, has decided to throw all sense of stability and decency to the wayside by proclaiming himself to be CT’s “humour [sic]” editor. This is, of course, as the astute reader will notice, the British spelling. As we all know, Great Britain has only produced two things worth mentioning: America and the Spice Girls. As I am the last remaining bastion of tradition and fidelity here in the Campus Times office, I cannot idly sit by and let this man tear down everything that is honorable and true.
The simple addition of a “u” into an otherwise common word may seem innocuous to most, but it is a dangerous warning sign that points toward an inevitable descent into chaos. What’s next, we start inserting extra letters into other words? Perhaps the mighty News section will become the Snews section, and we’ll find our tireless reporters “snewsing” on the job. Or what of Opinions? If we’re adding and removing letters, then a simple missing “p” and “i” would transform it to the Onions section. Of course, this would be an effective signal of the delicious layers we’ve come to expect from CT’s most nuanced section, but I fear we would be inching towards trademark infringement of another reputable news publication.
Or perhaps Brian is secretly part of a grand scheme to destabilize (or, as he’d might have you say, ‘destabilise’) American culture in favor of our neighbors across the pond. Soon enough, CT Fashion will be suggesting the hot new ‘trousers’ to wear this spring, or you might find a think piece on the best way for UR students to spend their summer ‘holiday’. Lately, I’ve been waking in a cold sweat from nightmares of grammatical havoc so chilling that I can only fall back asleep with my arms around the 57th Edition of the ‘Associated Press Stylebook.’ For instance, imagine the following interaction:
‘… So he said to me “I don’t even like beans on toast that much,” and I said, “I know but that’s all they serve in the dining hall now!”’
Don’t let the chilling erosion of our culinary freedom distract you; instead look again at the quotation marks. That’s right: British people put single quotes around pieces of dialogue. Chilling! I will not stand by and let this happen.
Sincerely,
Katie Jarvis
Former Copy Chief
Bias disclosure: Jarvis is half British and was born to an English citizen. She frequently partakes in British activities such as eating crumpets, speaking in a silly voice, and having strong opinions on how tea should be made.
