Rochester – as a former middle schooler, I am here to offer up some tips on how to survive it in case you fall into a wormhole and find yourself 13 years old again. They’re simple really, and you’ll be able to follow this advice seamlessly.

1) Always be late!

You know how people use the phrase “fashionably late” — well it’s true for middle school too! The later the better, and don’t get one of those pesky hall passes; that’s just a trick they try to pull on newbies who don’t have the experience that I do. 

2) Dogs out on the desk!

Now when I refer to “dogs,” I am not referring to your lovable pooch back home. I’m talking about your toes, silly! In every class, you are expected to take your socks and shoes off and place your feet on your desk. Your teacher and classmates will see it as a sign of dominance and immediately see you as the alpha.

3) Fight back!

Some teachers may have a hard time accepting your dominance and might want to “send you to the office” for your “bad behavior.” That’s another trick, readers! Don’t fall for it! If your teacher tries to take you to the office, fight! Punch them, kick them, throw things in their eyes! Anything to assert your dominance.

4) Be really cool and aloof in a mysterious way.

By now you’ve earned the respect of your teachers and classmates, and your classmates will want to hang around you and talk to you. Another trick! You cannot seem eager to talk with them; that makes you look desperate. If anyone talks to you, nod and look dramatically away from them and walk away. They’ll respect you more because of how cool and sigma you are. 

5) Call your upperclassmen “senpai.”

You can be cool and aloof with your peers and younger classmen, yes. But not with the upperclassmen. You are dirt to them and must impress them at any cost. You MUST call them “senpai,” preferably in a meek, submissive tone. You are still a sigma, don’t worry. A sigma must pick and choose their battles. 

6) Be a sigma, and always be a sigma.

If you are not a sigma by this point, then you have failed, you must always be a sigma, and never not be a sigma because you have to be a sigma and you are a sigma you are a sigma you are a sigma you are a sigma.

7) Sigma

You’ve failed, you must be a Sigma, not a Sigma because you must be a Sigma and you’re a Sigma, you’re a Sigma, you’re a Sigma.


Lord Wormhole, flesh is falling before your eyes. Help! I can’t go back to middle school!



10) Always use your locker!

Your locker exists for a reason, silly! Put your stuff in it — no use lugging everything around with you!

And those are some tips for surviving middle school! I hope you found them useful!

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