I am now a senior in college, meaning it is almost time to face humanity’s extraordinary bêtes noires, a black hole of uncertainty, the fear of the unknown. Who the hell knows what my life might look like in a year! Instead of dealing with the wonderful high of transitional anxiety, I am going to use it to charge up my villian arc. Handle my future like a big girl? Nope, I’m going to use my political science major for all it’s worth — I’m going to throw a coup d’état. 

I am tired of the self-serving bureaucracy in the rigid walls of academia standing strong at this institution. So I, like Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball, will knock them down to liberate our society from the siren’s trap of capitalist academia. This is not a manifesto, my little jackets, but a foretelling about how the Mel-iora Army (Meliora is pronounced the way Melanie said it during her CT election speech her first-year fall [Mel-ore-ree-ya]) will capture Rush Rhees swiftly and with style. No coup d’état is complete without glitter, and a little bit of arson, so some of the books will be lightly toasted. 

I have been told that it is unethical to cultivate my eggs fringe science style to mobilize the Mel-iora army, so I will develop my ranks with the next best thing. I will order two Salvatore’s 32-slice pizzas in hopes my army will arise from my coup d’état GIM. 

As the new Queen of River Campus, I will implement new policies and structures so UR can truly arise from the ashes that will be necessary for rebirth. We will become a phoenix: forever better. I will revive Optikale, throwing out usurpers such as California Rolling ll: Electric Boogaloo. Rocky’s will return to its former glory as a bar on this campus. When we are through, the only dry thing on this campus will be the dust of my enemies gathering beneath my Nike’s. We will let the wine and Genesee beer flow after our victory for all. To solidify the new dawn for our society, College Dems and Republicans will meet each other in battle. The act of combat between the two will initiate purity and cleanse ourselves of past evil. 

Most importantly, we will make Hillside communist. Ten dollars for an avocado in my garden of Eden? I think not. 

To those who also hear the thundering of drums, striking down and crying for revolution, join my cause. We will be the change we want to see, be the children of the future the world has yearned for. To let me know of your interest, slide into my DMs. I will accept your allegiance to the army of Mel-iora, the infantry of liberation. I will also accept any suitors’ propositions for my hand. Come fight and bleed for freedom! MELIORA! 

Tagged: humor meliora

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