To accommodate the unique challenges UR is facing this semester — both related and unrelated to the COVID-19 pandemic — UR administration is considering a shift back to online classes. While the COVID-19 pandemic continues to spread and cause all types of chaos all around the world, UR is facing a new problem that risks the education of all students. 

“Students on campus will be able to stay hybrid and attend in-person lectures if they so choose,” said one administrator. “But we have to provide accommodations for those who can’t get to class due to an over-24-hour line at Todd Union for their Amazon packages.” 

That’s right the line epidemic is sweeping across the UR campus with no signs of slowing down. First-year Dun Wei Ting originally got in line for a package between classes on Monday. Today, he’s camping out in the Chase branch hoping to get a good spot come Tuesday. “Since I’ve been in this horrid line, I’ve had to order Grubhub to sustain myself. Still better than going to Douggie, though I got punched in the face over taking the last fork last week.” 

Wei Ting’s story isn’t unique. Some upperclassmen waited up to 25 days for a new ID. An anonymous junior going by the name “Miss Placed” spoke to us about her wait. “I left my parents at Southside to get a new ID,” Place said. “ They told me on the phone that it would only take five minutes. I’ve been here for three weeks and I still haven’t moved up one place. I watch people go in and out of Danforth, but all I’ve eaten in days has been crumbs that fall out of their clamshells.” 

The administration is working on alternative options to cut the lines down, but has yet to succeed. The top consideration was to keep dining options open for a longer time, and add additional service options at the package center. The package reservation system, however, is not broadly known, and is a well-kept secret within one of the University’s oldest secret societies, the Tunnel Riders.

Operating in darkness, walking in only the shadowed regions of the tunnels, lurks a group who are said to know secret passageways into and out of Douggie, Todd, and even The Pit. 

“The last time lines were this bad was spring 1963,” Alan Linecutter ’65 said, “then, the Tunnel Riders exposed themselves, robes and all, to cut the lines down. I’m pretty sure I saw one deliver a baby 11 months into the dining hall line.” 

Their existence is only rumored, but every student has been praying they might become public again to save our campus from these excruciating waits. Some administrators are considering staging a baby delivery on the Todd Union line to bring them out again. 

For now, Zoom classes in the package center are the only reliable way to get UR students an education. Maybe by the time the first-years graduate they’ll finally be able to get their new laptop charger from Amazon. 

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