Amidst growing agitation for this year’s unusually frigid spring, a student group of self-proclaimed “Global Warmers” has opened up a pro-global warming club on campus. The group aims to provide students opportunities to impact Rochester and a safe space to discuss their “Earth-warming thoughts” with other like-minded activists.

“The weather’s been so nasty lately,” sophomore Chad Brackston said, “ How am I supposed to get my shirtless frisbee game on if it’s sub 40 degrees outside? […] I know global warming has far-reaching consequences for vital parts of the planet’s ecosystem or whatever, but hey, I think my college experience is a bit more important.” Brackston, a proud member of fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha, later added that “being able to play Spike with the boys is worth a few extra degrees on the Earth’s average temperature.”

The club seems to have attracted not only egotists, but anyone who enjoys being wasteful in general. “I finally have an outlet to express my lifelong love of single-use plastic!” said Katie McGuire, an Ecology and Evolutionary Biology major from Bel Air, Los Angeles, sipping her third trenta-sized caramel macchiato of the day. 

Still, others who claim they were into environmental negligence “before it was popular” are hesitant about these newer members’ commitment to the cause. “I think a lot of these people are just in it for the attention, y’know. Amidst all the college Democrats, you can’t get much edgier than being against reducing carbon emissions,” sophomore Clement Johnson, a Gender, Sexuality, and Women’s Studies major, noted. Growing considerably flustered, he added, “I’ve been intentionally throwing recyclables into the compost bin for as long as I can remember, and I’ve never once received any clout for it!”

The club’s e-board members seem adamant about making an impact in the local Rochester area. I had the chance to talk to junior and Chief Polluter Gary Stuple, an Interior Design major, about the club’s mission to proactively fight against climate stability.

“We don’t want to be all talk like Syracuse’s reckless wastewater management club; We want to  organize community outreach to teach local underprivileged elementary school students the benefits of global warming,” Stuple said, adding that controlled fossil fuel burnings on Wilson Quad could be an exciting opportunity for creating smog and acid rain over campus. Stuple is hoping these efforts will be enough to “scare the mean cold weather away” so he can “finally start working on his summer tan.”

When asked about the identity of the club’s faculty advisor, Stuple responded, “I’m not technically allowed to reveal our advisor’s name due to high-level University interests, but it rhymes with Clara Langendorf.” When pressed, he muttered something about “saying too much” and quickly shuffled away, occasionally stopping to drop a used candy wrapper two feet from a trash can.

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