I know, this is the question we all ask ourselves every day. Someone had to address the elephant in the room. 

I personally think that becoming a 500-year-old walking corpse that shrivels and dies if it goes into the sun in order to become a bat might be kind of cool. But I could be wrong — there’s a great deal of lore to sift through to make an educated decision.If you omit the whole “evil lord of darkness that needs to consistently prey on innocent victims and turn them into undead beings of the night in order to survive” thing, then maybe. In all seriousness, though, to answer this question, we must turn to Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” for answers. Vampiric powers and weaknesses vary from tale to tale, so I decided it was only right to base our analysis on the most classic vampire story. 

First off, one of the best powers you’d gain would be the ability to shapeshift— whether that be into a bat, a wolf, a dog, mist, or the person you were before you agreed to listen to your friend’s “sales pitch” for what definitely isn’t a pyramid scheme (I’m looking at you, Eric). And of course, in true Dracula fashion, you would be virtually immortal — bullet wounds, knife stabs, and falls from skyscrapers would have absolutely no effect on you. 

But at the same time, you can’t get within a five foot radius of garlic without dying. You might accidentally eat a piece of bread and subsequently suck the entire life force out of your body and end your 500-year reign of terror.

Still, Dracula’s powers would allow you to manipulate the weather — no more gloomy grey afternoons or walking to class in the snow! Except, you probably want cloudy days, as you’d be  instantly vaporized if you step foot in the daylight. A tough call indeed. 

That aside, with Dracula’s powers, you would be able to climb walls and ceilings like an insect. Might be a pretty cool party trick until the entire house evacuates and you hear sirens, later waking up in a white soundproof room strapped to a board where your only visitor is a figure in full body armor that feeds you canned tuna twice a day. But hey, you’d be able to break out of that room with your superhuman strength! 

Unfortunately, living in Riverview is off the table if you’re Dracula’s vampire,  as you’ll have some trouble crossing running water. So, unless you want to cope with potentially having what little is left of your animating force absolutely obliterated and your head exploding every time you try cross the bridge to get to your 9:40 a.m. class (although maybe it already feels like that), being a vampire might not be for you. 

Just like Dracula, you’d also have to sleep in the soil of your native land in order to survive. I don’t even have a joke for this one. You literally just have to sleep in dirt. Well, like a lot of things, maybe being a vampire sounds a lot more fun than it actually would be in real life. But a man can dream. 

At the end of the day, though, just be who you are! That’s a lot cooler. So don’t become a vampire. Or do. It’s up to you.

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