All students with any shred of dignity are well aware of the glories of the @uofr_animals Instagram page. If you are not aware of such a gift, it is in your best interest to either educate yourself or huddle in the pit of shame borne of your ignorance of the best thing this University has ever produced.
This animal loving community was rocked on Sept. 11 when, for the first time ever, a bright yellow groundhog was reported. It has since been given the temporary, official, scientific name “Blondeboi.” While only two photos of this sensational anomaly were captured, this masterful creature has sparked countless theories and fanclubs.
A number of pleb theories suspect government intervention in our local wildlife, but by far the most prevalent belief is that the Blondeboi supports the growing theory of real-world Pokemon. It is commonly accepted that the Pokemon Go craze in the summer of 2016 was the closest we have ever come to world peace, and since then there have been theories floating around that a more advanced version of this software has arrived to bring salvation to the year of our lord 2020. Our own Blondeboi is suspected to be the first of its kind to reach the slums of reality: a real life Shiny Pokemon.
Now, while these reports remain unconfirmed by gym masters and legendary trainers, our story has been corroborated by countless sources.
The Instagram page mentioned above provided the information that “his name is Higbey,” which, to all not (yet) fluent in Rochester acronyms, is unmistakably code for “He’s In Ground Before Eating, Yeet,” which, to all who have yet to learn the language of the gods, translates to “Blondeboi is a revolutionary step for both humanity and the globe. Researchers have tried for years to fulfill peoples’ dreams of real-life Pokemon and this is finally definitive proof of success.”
Blondeboi has been reviewed by Monroe County Animal Control, and ruled legally blonde. This means that it will have the opportunity to take courses at the University, as well as the LSATs.
Following its stratospheric test scores, it is predicted that the Blondeboi will demonstrate a brilliant legal mind as it makes a bunch of guys with names like Warren and Preston look like dopes.
We will follow this story through coming developments, and would like to remind the members of the UR community that these fantastical creatures are not to be trifled with — they have much more important tasks to attend to (e.g. becoming Chonk, solving global warming, etc.).
Until we have more information, we may rest easy knowing that the salvation of our world is coming in the form of our childhood savior: Pikachu & Friends.