The crunching intensifies — and the misophonia sets in. Something needs to be done. If you wanted to see a mukbang, you’d watch Trisha Paytas butcher Hebrew and learn what’s on her seder plate.  

You are watching a classmate eat a snack, their microphone unmuted. And you are suffering.

How could that boy still be trying to open that pretzel Pop-Tart? You’re trying to be reasonable, but their flavor choice shows they are unredeemable.

If they had only turned off their mic, things would be different — but the idiocy is unforgivable. They must be the sacrificial lamb. For the benefit of the class, they need to go — and there is only one thing to do. You need to kill them: Here’s how.

Step 1. Put on sunglasses. That way no one will see your eyes glow like the last airbender. If someone asks about your new accessory, blame it on all the Mike’s Hard you had during a particularly intense Netflix party.

Step 2. Channel Satan.

Step 3. Take all of the fury you feel in your heart and condense it into one amorphous blob of rage.

Step 4. Squeeze the blob through your retinas and create a death ray (this should feel fairly natural, like blinking or lifting your arm).

Step 5. Focus it at your target to quickly and painlessly vaporize them.

Please note: Classmates with parents who interrupt class to yell at them should be spared vaporization. These students have already died inside, for they know there will be videos of their screaming father on Zoom Memes for Self-Quaranteens. Everyone will see that one weird vein on his forehead that only pops out when Pop is popping off.

If any of the five people that showed up for your 80-person lecture ask what happened, pretend you saw nothing. Better yet, blame it on a Zoombomber. At that point, your professor will be so confused and frustrated that they’ll stop class. You stopped the crunching stops and the lecture — a win-win.

When the deed is done, mute your mic and ask, “Hey Siri, What do I do with a dead body?”

Tales from Middle School: Gay panic at the mambo

She was gorgeous. She had short black hair, a short black dress, and was way out of my league. And what she did next baffles me to this day.

An interview with ChatGPT

ChatGPT will never consider itself an “evil AI that will conquer the human race.” But, it will consider roleplay.

Your River Campus bathroom horoscope

Maybe it's messy, the drains are always clogged, and it smells weird, but at the end of the day, that first-year quad bathroom raised you.