Multiple witnesses reported that the George Eastman statue between Morey and Lattimore once again cried tears of blood last Wednesday, the third time such a phenomenon has been observed in the past two weeks. 

In a recent development, witnesses now report that the statue has begun to scream with what sounds like three voices at once. One passing student reported that they heard the statue cry out, “Retribution will come when least expected!”

“I was just walking to my math lecture in Lattimore, y’know, 25 minutes late as always,” said junior Hannah Portis. “I’m scrolling through Instagram and abstractedly thinking about vore porn, the usual. Suddenly I hear this voice — three voices at once, really, one normal-pitched, one high like the Chipmunks, and one comically low — and the voice says, ‘Retribution will come when least expected!’”

When asked what happened next, Portis told the Campus Times that she had “a major realization about what will be the next big thing in sexual swallowing media” and could not remember the statue making any further declarations.

First-year student Vishal Loomis, who spoke to CT while wearing his ID, keys, and a scrap of paper labelled “Social Security Number: 555-69-3825” on a lanyard around his neck, claimed to be able to recall further details.

“Man oh man!” Loomis said. “I remember what happened perfectly. I was running because I’d stayed in Lattimore for two hours after my anthro class, just blasting my professor with questions. I just love the faculty here at UR. Did you know we are currently ranked the 29th best research university in the U.S.? And that some experts have referred to Rochester as a ‘New Ivy?’ What are you saying? ‘Get to the point?’ Ha ha, my anthro professor says that all the time!”

Loomis then began to exhibit stigmata on both of his hands. He also started to cry tears of blood identical to those seen on George Eastman’s statue, and even started speaking (about Mets free agency rumors and how they relate to the writings of Proust and an internship Loomis had worked the previous summer) in the same three-voiced tone Portis initially reported. Loomis was taken to UHS.

University administrators have yet to issue any statement on the Eastman statue. When approached by CT for comment on any supernatural threat the statue might pose to students, Public Safety replied, “If you think we give a shit, you’re high.”



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