Alpha Sigma Sigma brother Austin “Glutes” Daniels IV accidentally stumbled onto the Eastman School of Music campus early last Saturday morning and required medical attention after being exposed to a mediocrity-free environment.
Daniels, a junior whose GPA technically allows him to count as enrolled in the College of Arts and Sciences, mistook the Red Line for the Orange Line because, quote, “knowing shit about colors is for optics nerds.”
Daniels, whose favorite TV show is “Family Guy,” had been blindly stumbling from an open party toward the bus station. He purportedly was headed for the Bug Jar, where he planned on talking up high school girls on their way out of an all-ages show.
“But see, the problem was that it was so dark out,” Daniels said, “and I was, like, already super concussed from when Zander and I had a cave-manning race before I headed out. Long story short, got on the wrong bus entirely. Major bummer, brah.”
For Daniels, who had never been to the Eastman campus because “violins are pretty gay,” the culture shock was immediate. While stumbling around campus, he found himself leaning against the wall of a practice room where an Eastman student was practicing their instrument on what Daniels calls “a shmurnt night” in pursuit of technical excellence.
“I felt suddenly like all of my priorities were geared around maximizing my own pleasure at the expense of everyone around me,” said Daniels, who likes to discuss hooking up with women of different races as one would discuss ice cream flavors. “There was nowhere I could go and hide behind the influence of my parents (Austin Daniels III ‘88 and Jessica Barr Daniels ’89) or that one board member. That’s when I knew I was in trouble.”
It was the quick thinking of Eastman student Claire McNewson that saved Daniels from a total mediocrity deficiency.
“He was just stumbling around our floor, kind of like a gorilla that just got shot by a tranquilizer gun,” McNewson recalled. “And he kept yelling that our fire extinguisher was a ‘little bitch’ for not being a STEM major. Calling MERT just seemed like the responsible thing to do.”
MERT responders were initially confused about how they should treat Daniels, who was suffering from both a BAC of .25 and a flawless performance of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata.” To further confound things, Daniels, who has intimidated an ASS-record six girls into not coming forward with accusations of sexual harassment, attempted to thwart attempts at treatment by refusing to speak, citing a “three-year, no-MERT streak.”
MERT eventually treated Daniels by playing Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” on loop until his baseline levels of douchebaggery normalized.
Daniels, who showed this reporter multiple “hilarious” rage comics and 2008-era memes while being interviewed for this piece, plans to memorialize his exposure to decent human beings with the party theme “Ethnic Stereotypes and Naked Girls, but With Oboes.”
