Friends and loyal reader, this will be last piece of work as a “humor” writer for the Campus Times. In preparing and brainstorming for this article, I had a number of different topics that I wanted to write about—so many, in fact, that I thought it might be better for me to write a list of discussion points instead.
1. Hollaback Girl is the greatest song of all time. I don’t feel the need to defend this claim.
2. The Campus Times sports section makes journalism harder than it has to be by having their writers cover sports of which they have no understanding. I know this because of the many track articles I’ve read during my time as an undergrad. With claims of two people finishing in first and runners traveling faster than cars, I’d say maybe we could at least get a swimmer to write these articles. [Editor’s note: We consider it a conflict of interest for writers to cover groups of which they are members or issues in which they have a vested interest. Sorry, Chris.]
3. The SA government took credit for bringing macaroni and cheese back to the Commons when I know for a fact that I had a major role in that decision—not them. This is a true story: A couple days after I wrote that “Macaroni & Cheese Soup” article earlier this semester, Dining Services contacted the CT editor to let them know they had read my article and would be bringing back macaroni and cheese within the next couple weeks. About a week later, on the day that macaroni and cheese was brought back, the SA Government Facebook page shared an Impact petition and the picture of the returned mac claiming that the Impact petition was to thank for change. Coincidence? I think not.
4. On a campus of about 5,000 undergraduates, only a fraction casts votes for SA Government positions. No one cares what your SA Government platform is. I voted for Vito Martino because he has the same first name as my dad. I’ve never met Vito, but I assume he’s a lot like my dad. Thanks, Vito!
5. The Warner School of Education wastes more money than they should on signs indicating upstairs study rooms are for graduate students only. These not only fail to deter students, but sometimes even welcome the occasional rebellious nerd.
6. Constantino’s acted as an off-campus Hillside, and it makes me sad that its closing made it difficult again to buy beer with Flex.
7. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the Midnight Ramblers actually sing past 11 p.m.
8. The track team carries the graduating class when singing the Genesee at Commencement. The rest of you blew it when you lost your cards with the alma mater lyrics during orientation week.
9. There is definitely a better noun for Gleason than “library,” but it is not in my vocabulary.
10. The Campus Activities Board should own up to students’ requests and bring in Smash Mouth for D-Day—especially since their debut occurred the same year many of us were born.
11. It’d be unfortunate if walking under the clock tower actually is a curse. I only need to make it through three more days to disprove it. Cheers.
12. The view from the top of Rush Rhees Library during official tours doesn’t look any different than any other view from the top you may have experienced—except one is during the day.
