I’d like to enter a new chapter into my collection of “how-to” informative pieces. This week, I won’t explain how to get a girl/boy, how to dress up like Donald Trump or how to make the best goddamned smoothie you’ve ever tasted. Rather, I will lay out a step-by-step process on how to piss people (specifically college students) off in their day-to-day lives. This is in no way a rant or piece meant for myself. I cannot stress enough that this isn’t about me. Nobody should read into this or assume I’m speaking indirectly to them. This is a purely theoretical and detached how-to list, and any habits or actions that seem familiar to you are purely coincidental. With that said, here’s what pisses “people” off.
1. Complaining about the cold (because we’re not all experiencing it).
2. Coming home at 2 a.m. and waking every one of your roommates up because you decided to go out on a Tuesday night. It’s not my fault you needed to rip shots the night before your 9 a.m., buddy.
3. Cars that wait at a green light even though there is a line behind them. I swear, if you make me wait for another green light, I will find you.
4. People who, for some unexplained reason, believe they experience life on a much more difficult level than any of their peers.
5. Yik Yak posts that attempt to make a real point instead of just making a joke.
6. The person who used the bathroom before me.
7. People who complain about government overreach.
8. Government overreach.
9. People who are well dressed, energetic and, in general, better than me.
10. Unresolved story endings.
11. People who are better than me at math.
12. The guy in line at Freshens Burrito Bowl who is too busy looking at his fucking phone to realize it’s his turn to order.
13. Christmas advertisements that start the moment Halloween has ended.
14. Megyn Kelly (we graduated from the same high school, and I’ve never gotten over it).
15. Alarms set for any time earlier than 9 a.m.
16. The concept of commitment.
17. The lyrics to the song “My Favorite Things” from “The Sound of Music.” None of those things are my favorite things.
18. People who disagree with me when the glass is objectively half empty.
19. People or writing that only focus on the negative.
20. People who end lists on odd numbers because they’re not creative enough to come up with a full one.
Mistler-Ferguson is a member of the class of 2018.
