1. A new study finds that a burger for lunch reduces 30 minutes a day off your life.
Confirming that fast food puts the “eat” in death.
2. Researchers have discovered a drug that could assist mice immune systems in finding and destroying HIV infected cells.
Will they find it? I’d say so, it’s in their blood.
3. A Canadian man was arrested after allegedly “kicking over a nativity scene drunkenly singing Mariah Carey’s, “All I Want for Christmas is You.”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I knee’d.”
4. A French restaurant is apologizing after serving baguettes more than two years after their expiration date.
Non appétit?
5. Three teens will soon appear in court after stealing a chicken from a home in Burlington, Vermont.
‘Tis the season to be fouly.
6. A baby was recently born in flight aboard an airliner in California.
After being asked about the baby’s effect in landing the plane, the pilot responded, “well, it could only go down from there.”
7. A for-profit college in Florida is in trouble for using strippers as admissions officers.
From a political standpoint, it worked. After all, it brought the younger generation to the poles.
8. A holiday race is scheduled to begin in which bystanders can donate to the charities of the athletes that they believe will win.
It’s being called, “A Run for Your Money.”
9. A University of Texas lab has revealed the disappearance of about 100 brains.
This still does not top the reported 535 brains missing from the U.S. Congress.
10. An Oregon police dog has been fired for constantly barking and pulling away from its officer.
If the officer was dealing with a loose canine, maybe he should have just gone to a dentist.
11. A huge, life-size nativity scene is set to break a Guinness record.
A conversation between the couple playing Mary and Joseph:
“Sarah, I just don’t understand how you are pregnant, we never did anything like that.”
“Immaculate conception?” a nervous Sarah replied.
12. A flag stolen in 1976 was recently mailed and returned back to the Western Observatory in Manchester in New Hampshire.
Red, white, and long over-due.
13. A woman chased and stabbed her boyfriend after he ate their Holiday dinner while she was taking a nap.
Said the hospitalized boyfriend, “the cooking was good, but I’m not sure it was to die for.”
14. A man spent his afternoon in the ER after doctors found a tape worm inside his head.
After asking a cannibal whether or not he’d eat the brain: “No way, man, there’s a worm in it.”
15. Fox News is opening up an online segment in which people can submit their own political questions.
I think what they’re really looking for are some more conservative righters.
Horgan is a member of
the class of 2017.
