I was going to write about a psychic named Dan, but then I heard him tell me not to before I even asked. Anyhow, in light of College Board announcing that new SAT tests will cut obscure vocabulary words, I have decided to make a few suggestions to really allow the SAT test to determine which students possess the most potential.
The first three hour section would consist of ten opinionated True or False questions. Such as, “English is better than science,” “Tupac is still alive,” or “Tuna is disgusting.” Next, students would have to complete a required set of writing questions. In this section, every response must be written in the form of a haiku or in iambic pentameter. It would be easy, if every person studied, this was a haiku. Part three would include questions in which none of the choices are correct, which, as recent studies suggest, increases the level of difficulty in choosing the correct answer. Also, this style of question would eliminate the possibility of a student guessing the correct answer. A food and dining section would prompt students to identify key ingredients in special cuisine, such as the garbage plate, fondue, or bouillabaisse. The math questions would be based more on speed than accuracy. Students must answer simple arithmetic while sprinting a 40-yard dash. However, these questions would only give an estimate to how a person could deal with the academic part of college. I have suggestions to test whether applying students could survive college life outside of academics.
Instead of normal questions, I think it would be important to present students with different situations to see how they react. For example, family board games. The board game part of the test would require students to play the game of “Sorry!” with fellow test-takers without sounding sarcastic. No one is ever sorry for kicking someone off the game board. A game like The Settlers of Catan would help determine the level of patience a person has, since being peaceful with friends is an important skill needed for college. If the students don’t break out in an all-out verbal fight, then they will have successfully passed the section.
If a student is an aspiring doctor, then they can opt out of medical school depending on their performance in the game “Operation.”
Next, students would be placed on a remote island with three vending machines that don’t give change in return (keep in mind that change is inevitable in life, except from vending machines). They would stocked with a limited amount of ramen noodles, a microwave, and a sheet of tin foil. If a week passes and the tin foil has not found its way into the microwave, then you can call these students “readily prepared for college.”
The longest section involves students staying inside for two months without sunlight. If the individual makes it through this two-month period without any sunlight, then they are prepared to either attend a university in the Northeast or audition for the role of an earthworm in the new National Geographic documentary.
Discipline will be measured through a series of difficult tasks. The first task gives all of the students Pogo Balls from the ‘80s. The first student to bring the pogo ball into the house loses, and subsequently fails the entire section. A point is deducted for every knee scraped and bone broken. Temptation will also be included in this part. As students attempt to fill out an important document, a laptop with the latest BuzzFeed article will be placed in front of them.
The final part of the test is an essay, in which the question asks “What does YOLO mean to you?” It is an important factor that should not be underestimated. Are you an, “I am not going to do my homework, YOLO” type of person, or are you an, “I am going to talk to my professor about research opportunities, YOLO” kind of person?
Horgan is a member of the class of 2017.
