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The perfect accompaniment to calculus homework is not a pencil, calculator or even WebWork. It is a charming rendition of Bach’s fifth symphony performed in bell-chime. No, you say? Well, I’m sorry, because the chiming will continue throughout the night as you agonizingly attempt to solve antiderivatives.

In Rush Rhees Library lies the Hopeman Memorial Carillon, a conglomeration of fifty bells imported from the Netherlands. As the largest musical instrument in the city, it is no surprise that it can be heard reverberating throughout the River Campus.

UR President Joel Seligman announced yesterday via Twitter that rather than playing the instrument at certain points in the day to indicate the time, the bells will play uninterrupted in order to “try to make the River Campus students as musically inclined as the students at the Eastman School of Music.”

He went on to include that starting in the spring semester, students will be chosen at random (preferably in the Hunger Games style of a reaping) to recite one of the tunes the bells play in front of all UR students and faculty.

If a student is able to accurately recite the tune, he or she will be rewarded with a Wegmans Shopper’s Club card. If the student is not able to meet the standards set forth by the administration, he or she will be forced to swim in the Genesee River for a total of 10 minutes or until their skin begins to turn green from the water.

Furthermore, academic probation and expulsion will no longer be considered procedural punishment for a violation of University policy. Students facing punishment will serve as bell operator in the Rush Rhees tower for a varying amount of time due to the severity of the infraction.

Academic dishonesty will result in the longest sentence. Students found being dishonest will be forced to live in the tower through  the dead of winter, being forced to operate the 50-some-odd bells every day.

“The implementation of this new system will hopefully calm the spike in University policy infraction, instilling a slight, but ever-present fear in UR students,” Dean of Admissions and Financial Aid Jonathan Burdick said.

Any student who enjoys an enhanced night life will most likely face major issues in the upcoming semester, as punishment will include confining all alcohol and drug violators within the Tower over the course of Dandelion Day, forcing all present to solely observe, not participate, in the revelry below.

Tour guides have recently been told to inform all prospective students and their families about the change in the system, hoping to remind any future Yellowjackets that UR is not as flexible as it may seem, despite its renowned open curriculum.

Dean of the College Richard Feldman has agreed to take student requests for songs to be performed on the carillon in an effort to appease student protests that broke out last week in Danforth Dining Center.

As the first 50 requests were dubstep tracks, the carilloner has been hard at work arranging covers, with the goal of mastering the artistry of Skrillex and Avicii by the end of next week. With the exception of “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen, all requests were taken into consideration.

For now, enjoy the classical music emitted by the carillon and be sure to listen carefully. You do not want to embarrass yourself if you are selected to recite the chime in front of your fellow friends and professors.

Also, be careful about what you do on campus. You can never be too cautious  and chances are that you will find yourself trapped in the Rush Rhees if you’re not.

All in all, just make sure to avoid any infractions, as you may find yourself begrudgingly arranging a mash-up of PSY’s“Gangnam Style” and Beethoven’s Sixth Symphony during a blizzard this upcoming winter.

Lerner is a member of the class of 2016.

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