Welcome to the second-annual Super Bowl Diary, reporting live from sunny Glendale with Giselle on my lap. Jinx! Actually, I’m in Rochester and it’s wicked cold. Moving on.
5:48 p.m.: Frank Caliendo just picked the Giants to win. I feel better already. That guy just based his pick on soup. Idiot.
5:56: Random past and present players are reciting the Declaration of Independence. An awkward moment for everyone involved. Although, it was a pretty awesome F-you to England. Also, Jim Brown looks homeless.
6:04: Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are calling the game. Not a fan of the Buckster, but Troy knows what’s up. Also, he doesn’t have that awkward Southern accent that Simms seems to be totin’ around. Did I mention how much I don’t like Phil Simms?
6:13: Alright, I’m gonna say it, Wes Welker has fantastic, striking, dreamy eyes. From hence forth, his name shall be Dreamy Eyes. Let my will be done!
6:22: Seriously, commercials should stop using the word “protection.” Trojan should just copyright it.
6:30: Pats kick off. It’s on!
6:44: Big third-down stop by the Pats. Sexy!
6:50: Sexy Pats on offense, finally.
6:56: Aikman just said that Brady has an injured ankle. In other news, I just shit my pants.
7:01: First TD of Super Bowl XLII!
7:07: Over/Under on Manning family sightings is 23. I would take the over if I were you.
7:13: INT! INT! INT! INT! Manning sucks. As does his brother. You know, the one with the busted knee.
7:17: FOX seems to have some TV technical difficulties. Also having difficulties: my pen.
7:32: Since Manning’s awful throw, the Giants have been slowly taking the ball from his hands. Smart move all around.
7:37: All the breaks are going to the Giants. This is bullshit.
7:41: Justin Timberlake is slowly taking over all media. Great commercial.
7:54: Uninspiring first half. Very lame defensive battle. Pats lead 7-3. They get the ball back first. Expect wonders.
8:04: Who the hell is Tom Petty?
8:23: The halftime show was very mediocre. Petty is too old. I want wardrobe malfunctions involving Carrie Underwood. NFL, get on that.
8:28: I don’t understand the love for Matt Light. Everytime I watch him, he’s lit up like a Christmas torch. Plus, he commits penalties like they’re going out of style.
8:33: Shaq in a jockey uniform. Classic. And disturbing.
8:38: Belichick just challenged 12 men on the field. At first I thought he was insane, but I’ve been known to be wrong.
8:43: Here’s a convo I just had with my cousin. Me: “Dude, wtf?” Him: “I don’t know man, but uber lame.” Me: “We better pull out before too long.” Him (and me): “That’s what she said.” Yes, I have sophomoric humor, deal with it.
8:49: Burgess just got rocked. Punk.
8:58: Dreamy eyes just caught another pass, he’s on pace for a Super Bowl record.
9:06: Manning family sightings: seven.
9:07: Manning family sightings: nine, but honestly, at this point, it could be around 100 and I wouldn’t be surprised.
9:16: What’s the problem with this game? Every break has gone against the Pats. Terrible. I have a bad feeling about this.
9:30: Sorry, I’ve been holding my breath for this whole time.
9:39: Randy Moss! Randy Moss!! Holy Shit!!!!!
9:42: Eli Manning will proceed to crap his pants. You heard it here first.
9:50: If the officials were any more biased, they’d be wearing Giants hats. Manning family sightings: 15.
9:52: OK, here’s a page from the “Essential Book of Coaching.” And I quote, “DO NOT PUT YOUR SMALLEST CORNER AGAINST A 6’5″ RECIEVER!” I’m so mad, I’m shaking. SHAKING. Manning family sightings: 25, at the least. Anyone who had the over in the pool, feel free to collect the shame and regret that comes with that pick.
9:54: You know what’s setting in? Deep depression. Deep, deep depression. I hate everything.
9:55: I would tell you the conversation between my cousin and me, but it’s too graphic and offensive for even the most hard-skinned reader. So, you know, use your imagination.
Maystrovsky’s column appears weekly. Maystrovsky is a member of the class of 2009.