We have all heard of the Students’ Association Senate. They are the legislative body for our humble University. We have all heard of the Students’ Association President, the executive body of the SA. But, like the government of our wonderful United States, there is in fact a third branch in our Students’ Association.
Yes, a secret judiciary does exist: The All-Campus Judicial Council. Sitting on its bench are 11 students whose names are completely unknown (except if you look at the Campus Club Connection). Sitting at the reigns is the Chief Justice, followed by the Associate Chief Justice and followed then by nine associate justices – the Ruth Bader Ginsburgs and Clarence Thomases, if you will, only without the jowls.
But what do they deliberate, you ask? Well, if you ever wondered where your friends disappeared to, chances are ACJC ordered their deaths.
Having no idea where, exactly, they operate out of, and having neither the time nor energy to hunt one of them down to ask, I instead ponder what they are like.
First, what room do they use? It must have a very defined front area where each justice can sit. There must be room for the defendants and plaintiffs, as well. Gowen Room? Stackel Room? No. My ACJC holds court deep under Rush Rhees, below the already dank B Stacks, in a secret lair of justice.
My ACJC also sits on obsidian chairs to provoke fear into all who pass into their territory. They have a fifteen foot high bench, also made of obsidian. The people who come before them stand on shaky wooden panels. If you lose the case, Dean Burns, standing near the obsidian bench, pulls a rip-cord, which releases you yet further into the ground, into a lake of bloodthirsty alligators.
Also, each of them are hooded in red cloaks. Yes, red – the color of blood. Or something.
Okay, well, enough daydreaming. In truth, the ACJC justices are quite nice. They meet around 10 times a semester to settle alcohol violations and fighting violations – pretty much anything of a disciplinary nature that Dean Burns sends their way. They also deal with any elections disputes and SA tiffs, according to Associate Chief Justice and next year’s Chief Justice, Mike Koskulics.
Oh, and they meet in the Dean of Students’ Office in Wilson Commons. No obsidian chairs. No death traps. And, perhaps unfortunately, no alligators.
