Aries (March 21-April 19) – Be wary of dating any girl whose favorite board game is Hungry, Hungry, Hippos.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – After a brief flirtation with sunshine and warmth, it’s good to see Rochester has returned to its old spouse of snow and cold.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Don’t forget to vote in the Senate elections! If you don’t vote for your friend, someone else’s friend will do nothing all year!

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – If your girlfriend’s feminine hygiene products are not in her purse, you know where they are. Avoid her at all costs during these times.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Next time you get out of the hospital, ask your insurance provider if you can get cash instead of having to sell the drugs they buy you.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – SportsCenter is much less interesting once March Madness is over and baseball is just picking up. It’s like church now that Easter is over.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Not getting that summer internship you wanted is not going to make you a failure, it’s your lack of skills that lost you the internship that will.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – People who say love is blind must never have treated their syphilis.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – When at a wedding, a typical courtesy is to give the groom first choice of the bridesmaids.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – As they get older and more responsible, many men find it increasingly difficult to raise their collar. Throwing a Viagra into the wash can help fight this and turn that flop into pop!

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – After a night with a new girl, your roommate will tell you how love was in the air, and then unfortunately, love landed on your pillow.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Remember, when at a strip club, a gentleman tips percent of the cup size.

(If you actually believe this then you believe there’s life after college.)



The issue with renaming the “Gulf of Mexico” to “Gulf of America”

It reinforces the idea of American exceptionalism, and furthers the increasingly accurate worldwide perception that the U.S. has no regard for its neighbors and allies.

An end to the madness

Every day of its relentless campaign against pro-Palestinian student voices, the University signals it is far happier to take my tuition than my message

Puppy Bowl XXI was a tail-biter

Puppy Bowl XXI was a tail-biter