Aries (March 21-April 19) – Be careful not to cut off your thumb, because then your friends will feed it to a bum. Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Today is your lucky day; everything will be going your way. Gemini (May 21-June 21) – If your sub-woofer is really bumpin’, get a fly honey and start-a-humpin’.Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Hit on a group of girls wearing blue and watch how your hottest fantasy comes true. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – If you think you’ve got rhymes sicker than mine, come on down and write horoscopes for the Campus Times. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Avoid sharp edges whenever you can, such as a razor blade, a knife or the tip of your pen. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Don’t answer your phone, it could be a stalker. If she tries to instant message you, make sure that you block her. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Think before you speak, in fact, just shut-up for the rest of the week. Try to be nice because before the week ends, you might not have anymore friends. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Give a dog a bone if you see one on the street, you never know, one day he may find you and poo on your feet. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – When you wake up tomorrow morning, drink a glass of juice. It’s tasty, refreshing and good for your caboose. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Take candy from a stranger and you’ll be free of danger. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Go outside while the weather permits, because in a few weeks it’ll really be the pits. (If you actually believe this, then you believe that Jessica Simpson is too hard to love.)



Michael Che’s Winterfest set welcomes lackluster comedy and announces his exit from SNL

Perhaps the most notable takeaway from this is Michael Che’s statement that he may be leaving SNL. What he intends to do afterward is unknown, but I’d urge him to reconsider if he’s looking to pivot back to stand-up.

The issue with renaming the “Gulf of Mexico” to “Gulf of America”

It reinforces the idea of American exceptionalism, and furthers the increasingly accurate worldwide perception that the U.S. has no regard for its neighbors and allies.

“Wicked” soars above movie-musical expectations

Unlike many predecessors, it’s unafraid to present itself musically and indulges in the Ozian theatrics that have kept the show running for upwards of 20 years.