Horoscopes

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Be careful not to cut off your thumb, because then your friends will feed it to a bum. Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Today is your lucky day; everything will be going your way. Gemini (May 21-June 21) – If your sub-woofer is really bumpin’, get a fly honey and start-a-humpin’.Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Hit on a group of girls wearing blue and watch how your hottest fantasy comes true. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – If you think you’ve got rhymes sicker than mine, come on down and write horoscopes for the Campus Times. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Avoid sharp edges whenever you can, such as a razor blade, a knife or the tip of your pen. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Don’t answer your phone, it could be a stalker. If she tries to instant message you, make sure that you block her. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Think before you speak, in fact, just shut-up for the rest of the week. Try to be nice because before the week ends, you might not have anymore friends. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Give a dog a bone if you see one on the street, you never know, one day he may find you and poo on your feet. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – When you wake up tomorrow morning, drink a glass of juice. It’s tasty, refreshing and good for your caboose. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Take candy from a stranger and you’ll be free of danger. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Go outside while the weather permits, because in a few weeks it’ll really be the pits. (If you actually believe this, then you believe that Jessica Simpson is too hard to love.)