Aries (March 21-April 19) – Let me tell you about a time of the old days when Cornish hens roamed the land and pretzels grew in the backcountry. Your week will be like that – super duper.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Who let me write the horoscopes? I’m not in touch with the stars and I don’t believe in the cosmos. This is why I will tell you about your week after it has already happened.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. Your week, your week, your week will be sweet.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – How much will you pay me to tell you about your upcoming week today? Slip some cash under my door and I will either steal it or slip a note back telling you that I have stolen it.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Celebrity Leo Martha Stewart is apparently taking line dancing classes in prison. If that visual doesn’t make you laugh, then you need to go sit in that igloo on the quad for some time and think about it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Typically, the use of an igloo in the continental United States is strictly forbidden because it makes people feel so cold that they want to cry. There is no exception to this rule. The igloo on the Eastman quad made me feel cold and in need of a good cry.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct . 22) – Let’s put it this way – you rule. Another way to phrase it is – you don’t suck. Keep this in mind when people throw things at you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – You are gifted in many ways, some good, yet others might need some work. What I’m trying to tell you is this – even though you write with both hands at the same time, it doesn’t mean you can draft your own personal Louisiana Purchase.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) -Tell Scorpio to chill out with the ambidexterity and have a caramel.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – One would typically think that a 4.0 is a good thing. Well, not when it’s on a scale of 37.0. So remember that everything is relative and be open to other points of view.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Whoever told you that you could freestyle was wrong. Keep your poor rhymes to yourself. I don’t want to hear about how your bear has some hair and now it’s in despair. Your bear doesn’t want to hear about it either.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Somebody needs to get that kid a Band-Aid. He looks like he is in a lot of pain. Which kid? The kid right next to you – duh.

(If you actually believe this, then you really did think brad and jen would stay together.)



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Editor’s Note (5/4/24): This article is no longer being updated. For our most up to date coverage, look for articles…

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