As a senior at this fine university, I have learned many great things during my tenure. I am now well-versed in a wide variety of subjects and can bullshit with the best of them. In short, now that I’m nearing the end of my college life, I feel satisfied knowing I have received the full potential of my $40,000-a-year tuition. Still, I feel compelled to pass on my knowledge to the younger generations. Thus, I will now share my most sacred gem of knowledge – the important rules to having a good party.

Party rules can be broken up into two separate, yet equally important sections, between host and guest. Let us begin with the rules for a good host. Rule number one – I will call this “critical mass after the required mass needed to achieve a nuclear reaction.” You can thank my chemical engineering major for that wonderful analogy.

All your friends or co-hosts must stay in the main room and cannot branch off to their own rooms until a critical mass of one-third of the expected guests have arrived. If hosts don’t follow this simple rule, new arrivals will think your party is dull and quickly vacate the premises. Suite parties have the natural tendency to migrate towards the hallway. You must resist this urge and stay in the main room so your party appears to be hopping.

Another important responsibility of a good host is the booze. First off, if you have the gall to throw a BYOB party, you don’t deserve any guests at all. Really, people, don’t be so cheap. Hosts should also provide lots of booze and have a variety for the ladies – not just beer.

Lastly, music can make or break a party. Playlists must include hip-hop for the beginning of party, but should also have some songs everyone can drunkenly sing along to. “Living on a Prayer,” “Don’t Stop Believing” or any ’80s ballad will suffice. These songs must not, I repeat must not, come on too early in the night, or you will lose guests and appear foolish in the eyes of others.

Now on to the guest rules. When you get an invitation to a party, you should keep in mind who you intend to bring. Bring an even ratio. Nothing looks worse than rolling up with five dudes and no ladies. It is also important to pre-game a bit – booze will be provided, but don’t take advantage of your friends’ wallets. Another alcoholic matter to consider is that generally at a party, there will be multiple grades of beer. If not offered directly and you don’t consider yourself a close friend of the host, you should take one for the team and drink the Genny Light.

And for that matter, while we are discussing alcoholic consumption, don’t hook up in other people’s rooms without prior consent. Nothing is worse than having an unpleasant black light discovery the next day.

For this next rule, I would like to give a shout out to the guy that vomited all over my futon. Under no circumstances is puking a viable option. If you need to puke, get the hell out of there. The animosity you will generate will haunt you forever.

Finally, don’t poop at the party, because you never know what could happen. My diehard fans will know what I mean by that one.

So now make me proud, take my words of wisdom and transform them into a real-life, kick-ass party.

Additional commentary provided by Nate Scott.

Scott can be reached at nscott@campustimes.org.

Kutcher can be reached at jkutcher@campustimes.org.



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