I have spent the last few days putting off writing this article simply because I could not think of an introduction. So now I’m resorting to the cop-out method of writing an introduction stating the fact that I don’t have one.

Have you ever used this method on papers? My favorite is starting papers off with a quote. God bless other people’s work and the ability to use it as your own, simply by putting little quotation marks around it.

Well, now that I have my crappy introduction all in order, let’s get down to the good stuff. I have been noticing a new trend in art these days. I made this observation while relieving myself in one of our school’s fine bathrooms. Graffiti – especially bathroom graffiti – is evolving. Gone are the days of “I was here,” “[Insert any name] is gay” and my personal favorite, “Will give head for money.” The boring minutiae and obscene vulgarities are being replaced by a new style of graffiti.

This new style is aimed at reader participation because it is a sort of intellectual discussion forum. Let me give you an example. Someone will write something like “Does anything rhyme with the word orange?” Then, people will write back their various responses.

I bring up this positive example of social growth among our student body in direct response to what I witnessed on Thursday night. I went to the library to get a little reading done and was appalled to discover that my fortress of solitude had been transformed into someone’s fraternity party. I like to study on the third floor, which is commonly known as the social place to be – social, that, is for us library hermits.

These guys took it way too far. They set up the tables so they could play beer pong. I kid you not, beer pong! Call me old-fashioned, but who plays drinking games in the library? This disturbed me, so I left and ate a Nestl Crunch bar that satisfied me emotionally, a fact that is disturbing in its own light.

So, we are all presumably through those fun first weeks of school and the real work has now begun. Are you starting to wonder why you were in such a hurry to get back here? Yeah, me too.

However, there are some benefits to going to class. The main benefit is making fun of people, but I assume that subconsciously I’m bound to be learning something. Last semester, in my ethics class, there was a kid in pajama pants, a Hawaiian shirt and no shoes.

Let’s take this one step at a time. First off, it was two degrees out, and that is simply inappropriate attire. If you insist on wearing pajama pants for your morning classes, I guess I can accept that, but a 4:50 p.m. class does not constitute morning in my book. More importantly, Hawaiian shirts are reserved for gay guys and big fat party animals, and I’m sorry to say, my friend, but you most certainly didn’t fit either of those generic descriptions.

When I get tired of making fun of my fellow classmates, I take a little nap. I’m not one of those kids who literally lapses into some coma-like state, showing the occasional signs of violent shaking and snoring. I’ve devised a more sophisticated means of sleeping. I use my hands as a shield over my eyes, that way nobody is the wiser. This method is foolproof.

For the unaware freshmen out there enjoying the beautiful weather instead of going to class, I would advise you to enjoy it while it lasts because you’ve got like five days left. The only good thing about winter weather, in a school with a bloody tunnel system that prevents classes from being canceled, is hat hair. Yes, I know, hat hair is normally not a good thing, but for a guy like me who despises waking up to a shower, it’s the best excuse in the world for looking goofy. “Dude, you look like you haven’t shaved in weeks, your hair is going every which way and could you smell worse?” “Hat hair, dude!” Take that, society!

Kutcher can be reached at jkutcher@campustimes.org.

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