Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – You’re gonna die, but probably not this week. So while you put that idea out of your head, you should avoid fatty foods. We wouldn’t want to hasten your untimely demise.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Stop being so selfish! The fish fry at Danforth is meant for everyone, not just you. Try a visit to the waffle iron – or a roadtrip to Waffle House!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – In the words of Margaret Cho’s mother, “You so gay!” Unfortunately, though, you may not be. But it’s always a good idea to listen to mummy. Wait. Yes. That’s right.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – These boots are made for walking, and so are your shoes. It’s good for you, so try and walk more instead of taking the bus. Best of all, it keeps your tush in shape.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You’ve found mister or missus right. Now stop denying it and get to work making sure their every whim is attended to.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Long hours and no pay add up to a crappy job. Luckily the company can make it worthwhile. Try and find your pleasures where you can and life will fly on by like tenth of a mile posts.
Aries (March 21-April 19) – Vacation is over! You need to start putting in some long hours at CLARC – don’t call it the ITS Center, either. Soon you’ll learn how much fun studying upstairs there can be.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Things are holding together, but just barely. Be very conscious of what needs to get done and you’ll be fine.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – The weather can sometimes put a damper on things, but don’t worry. Sunny days are coming soon enough, but don’t try to rush them or you’ll spoil things. Let people have their fun and then you’ll have yours.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Hydrobras are the greatest thing ever. There’s nothing like a new toy to brighten up someone’s day. If you don’t need anything, buy someone else a present and you’ll be repaid tenfold according to Buddhists or one of those other eastern religions that most of America is ignorant about.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Doom. Pestilence. Plague. You don’t have to worry about any of that this week.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – You’re not at the top of the list anymore, but you’re still tops to someone. Find them, ’cause I’m getting bored with you. (If you actually believe this, you should play on Oberlin’s football team. This is not to be taken seriously.)