Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Put away your ratty clothes and get to the mall. Fluorescent orange is the new black this fall, so make sure you get the sweater, pants and socks to match.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Stop spending all your money on lip gloss and cosmetics. You need to save it to pay for that new club meal deal happening on campus.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Keep your chin up. So the new semester has brought you a work load heavier than a grand piano? Don’t fret – a little time management and you’ll do just fine.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) – Start something new. Try yoga or test your skills with a paint brush. The variety will spice up your life and keep you going strong.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Wanna be on MTV’s the Real World? Yeah…thought so…life isn’t a theatrical production, so cut the drama queen act before you scare off everyone around you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – So you let go of the best thing that will ever come your way? Learn a lesson and get your life together. You can’t walk all over people your whole life because pretty soon it will be your turn to get stepped on.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Life throws everyone a curve ball now and then, but things would get awfully boring if everyone played by the rules.

Aries (March 21-April 19) – Have some fun in the hot new ride you scored this summer. Hard work pays off and it’s your turn to enjoy it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Good things are in store for you this week. Just keep your nose to the grindstone. Rewards will come when you least expect it.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Keep your eye on the stars and don’t listen to people who tell you you’re anything less than great.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) – That office job you had this summer wasn’t so great for your physical health. Put on your sneakers and get to the gym. You’ve always enjoyed exercising it’s just a matter of mustering up the motivation to go there. So stop reading and just go.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Your life is busy, but don’t forget to take some time out to listen to your friends. They might need you right now, or they might have some good advice to make your life flow a little smoother. Whichever it is, don’t let your friends slip too far down your priority list.

(If you actually believe this, you probably also own a Thigh-Master. This is not to be taken seriously.)

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