Aries (March 21-April 19) – Baby, you need to take a break from those twenty page term papers and give yourself a birthday treat. I’m sure that an old friend would be more than willing to buy you a drink. Call her this weekend some time.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Do you find yourself wanting to spend the next three weeks laying around the campus in a bathing suit when the weather permits? Resist the urge, for God’s sake, be decent.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – I like coconuts. You should like coconuts, too. Go out and buy some coconuts in preparation for D-Day. You know you’ll enjoy it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Call your mother and tell her about that special someone in your life. You don’t have one? Tell her about your woes and she’ll be able to give you some good advice. Besides, she’ll appreciate it.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – Easter week is a time for new beginnings. Try something new this spring, like trying to get a referendum passed throughout the whole student body. It’s a good way to meet hotties.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – Innocent and sweet as you are, you need to admit that you really are a complete tease. First step in this process, wear that short skirt and low cut top out for a night on the town. What? You’re a guy? Well, its Gaypril. Be proud.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Finals are coming and you are not ready. Learn from those incompletes on your transcript and get into gear now. You’ll feel better after everything is done and celebrating is fun.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – It is about time you finally got your ass in gear. Remember to keep up on your reading and talk to that kind professor who is cutting you some slack.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec 21) – Look around you. Have you noticed that no one seems to like you? Perhaps its because you can’t make a commitment to anything. Change that and your life will be much better.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Take that wonderful stereo system you have in your room and dance the night away. You’ll have a great time and its better than DDR.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Soon you will be away from school and with the love of your life. This is an important turning point in your relationship. Just keep being as supportive and wonderful as you usually are and everything will turn out okay.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Very simply, you are a freak. Go jump in a lake.
(If you actually believe this, you probably believe that U2 actually came to campus, just like us. This is not to be taken seriously.)
