It has been nine months since my girlfriend and I started dating. I find her to be the most sophisticated, open-minded, compassionate girl that I have ever met in my life, and we literally would never run out of topic for conversation. We are passionately in love. Some few months after our first date, we started having sexual contacts. Then, I found that she was a virgin, and had never masturbated. She has no idea how an orgasm feels, and she has never fantasized sexual pleasure. Sexually, she is where I was at 14. Not a day goes by that I don’t crave sex with her. She eventually experienced orgasms via clitoral massage, and weeks later we tried intercourse a few times which she found extremely painful and we gave up. It’s not easy to enjoy yourself, keep your erection and see the girl you love in pain at the same time. I keep asking myself why should she be doing this while it’s not within her interests, and she finds it painful. Getting her interested in sex and asking her to be more pro-sex is like selling ice cream to someone who has no clue what ice cream is. I feel quite frustrated and confused about coping with this. – Puzzled Lover

It is important to be patient. Most girls experience some discomfort during their first attempts at sexual intercourse. In fact, some girls don’t enjoy sex for years after that first encounter. The answer is to take it slowly and gently. Be understanding of your partner. Try to make her as comfortable as possible. This shouldn’t be a chore, considering the quality of your relationship.

It seems as though you have already put a lot of effort into trying to make sex appealing for your partner, but even so, perhaps I can offer some options you may have missed. In other words, here are a few flavors of ice cream you might want her to try.

Vaginal lubrication plays an enormous role in fulfilling sex. Ways to attain optimal lubrication include engaging in foreplay, sending her to the brink of orgasm or applying the prepackaged variety. Try Silk. I hear it is preferred to KY Jelly for intercourse purposes. Don’t put yourself in her, until you know she is at her maximum wetness.

Explore different positions. There are other options to missionary, you know. Try spooning, with her on top or doggy style. Pick up a copy of the Kama Sutra for inspiration. She may find a certain position to be less painful, allowing for more clitoral action and less friction. She also may want control over the speed of entry. Check with her on that.

Also, remember to emphasize the romantic component of sex. Since you are both passionately in love, this makes for remarkably superior sex. It has been proven that engaging in eye contact during sex releases more oxytocin than usual, a hormone associated with touch and pregnancy. Higher levels of oxytocin result in greater sexual receptivity, and because it increases testosterone production – which is responsible for sex drive in both men and women – sex drive can also increase. Moreover, this hormone does not just create a sexual desire in women, coupled with estrogen, it creates a desire to be penetrated.

Even if you are doing all the previously stated suggestions and more, there are a couple factors that could be exacerbating the situation. One possibility could be that your key is too big for her lock. If the problem is physical incompatibility, I would suggest stretching the vagina. A vagina dilator is made for that. You would of course, do this over an extended period of time over many sessions, enlarging the gauge each time. Eventually, the penis would be able to fit in the vagina with less discomfort.

Painful intercourse can also result from one or more physical problems, for example endometriosis, vulvodynia (burning, itching and irritation in the external genital area), interstitial cystitis, nerve problems, or allergies. If you and your partner suspect any of these culprits, contact the gynocologist. Otherwise, stay calm, and continue with experimentation. Once she finds out how amazingly gratifying sex can be, she’ll be bugging you for it. In the mean time, take it slow and focus on her pleasure if you want sex to be a mutually cherished component of your relationship. – Joan

Got a love or relationship question that’s literally … ummm … burning? Send it to the Love Goddess herself, Joan Knihnicki, at

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