Aries (March 21?April 19) – Do not be discouraged by recent traumas in your life. Something spectacular is coming your way. Sorry, it’s not a million dollars or a Brazilian model, but it will be awesome whatever it is.
Taurus (April 20?May 20) – Be careful with your spending habits or you will be eating those peanut butter and jelly sandwiches we made last week. Remember a penny saved is a penny earned.
Gemini (May 21?June 21) – Struggles with personal goals will get easier this week. Even if the idea of escaping to Canada sounds horribly attractive, don’t give up and you will be rewarded immensely.
Cancer (June 22?July 22) – Your recent positive outlook on life will attract lots of admirers. Smile and they will come.
Leo (July 23?Aug. 22) – Go to the gym to get an early start on losing weight. There is still a lot of cottage cheese to get rid of before you try on those new American Eagle jean shorts.
Virgo (Aug. 23?Sept. 22) – Be nice to the animals that have recently made an appearance near your building. If you do not, you will face the wrath of a rodent. When angered, rodents can be very dangerous too.
Libra (Sept. 23?Oct.22) – Call your mom. She can help you with a problem this week. Listen to what she has to say very carefully or you will be sorry.
Scorpio (Oct. 23?Nov. 21) – You will be faced with a proposition for sex. Think carefully about the consequences. You don’t want to end up having a cute little freshman getting emotionally attached.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22?Dec 21) – Experience life in the present. Ruminating about negative past events will only make you depressed. Take a deep breath and smell the chicken fingers.
Capricorn (Dec. 22?Jan. 19) – Buy candy, pig out and watch movies. I suggest “Masters of the Universe,” Runts, Thin Mint cookies and Fanta Orange.
Aquarius (Jan. 20?Feb. 18) – Your constellation has rearranged into the shape of a keg. Go out and drink immediately! Unless, of course, you are underage, that’s a no-no.
Pisces (Feb. 19?March 20) – Right now, you are like the new television show “Greg The Bunny,” annoying and not funny. Keep your comments to yourself for a little while. Otherwise you may be found floating in the Genesee river after an extended absence from classes.
(If you actually believe this, call CMHS tomorrow. This is not to be taken seriously.)