I associate spring break with alcohol. Unfortunately, I associate alcohol with vomiting. Basically, if you do the math:

spring break = alcohol, alcohol = vomiting, spring break = vomiting.

So to get you all in the mood for Spring Break, I figured I would try to enlighten you with a few of my favorite vomit incidents and the lessons I learned from them.

But since I have such a plethora of stories from which to choose, I will stick to a few from my college years. Plus, my parents are going to read this ? I would prefer to keep them in the dark about a few things.

The first time I threw up here at UR, I learned a very valuable lesson ? never let your nose dip below your mouth.

I also do not recommend laughing while you are blowing chunks. I ended up learning those two lessons six times that night.

The next most memorable experience was last year over Meliora Weekend. I went to bed, woke up a few hours later, rolled over, and barfed over the side of my bed. I learned two things that night ? one, do not barf on a down comforter. Two, never leave your drawers open when you go to sleep. Lots of clean up.

Another time last year, shortly after eating Chinese food, my friends and I decided to do a power hour. Bad mistake.

As before, two lessons came from this ? one, do not eat Chinese food before a power hour. Two, do not do a power hour with Magnum 40 malt liquor. Needless to say, I made it to minute twelve, then I ralphed. In my defense, I did make it back in at minute thirty-one.

My friends have also had their fair share of puke incidents. Over Thanksgiving break at a party, a friend of mine puked off his porch, turned around, popped a breath mint, and kissed another friend. Neither one of them were happy the next morning. Lesson learned, never kiss someone when you do not know what has been in his mouth.

However, no matter how old I get, there is one vomit incident I will never, ever forget. Over winter break, a friend of mine had a champagne party at his house. Out of the thirty people there, only three did not boot. At one point in time, I was booting in the sink, one girl was booting in the toilet and another was booting in the bathtub.

Around that same time in the downstairs bathroom, the same thing was happening with one exception ? there was no bathtub downstairs, so the person just booted in the corner.

That evening I learned to not drink champagne that costs two dollars a bottle. Needless to say, I now understand why Miller High Life is referred to as the champagne of beers. It is not a compliment, but it is truth in advertising.

I will leave you to your spring breaks with the two most important lessons any college student needs to know ? one, always puke in a receptacle ? preferably a plastic, disposable one. Two, moderation is the key. Puke stories can be fun, but not puking is always more fun.

Have a good spring break, and remember, if you’re gonna spew, spew in this.

Haber can be reached at bhaber@campustimes.org.

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