Students of UR, we’ve all been there. You’ve got Pit burgers in your pockets, you trip on a rock, and boom, you’ve got pickles and mayo all over your Adidas tracksuit. Your friends call you “Burger Boy” for the next three years all because you wanted to keep some extra hamburgers warm for later. 

Look, we’ve all been there, ok? The shame of the incident tanks your GPA, destroys your friendships, and bleeds into your personal life, causing you to commit treasonous acts against the government in a marital-stress fueled rampage. And sure, sometimes that incident forces you to move to a new town where you change your identity and have a repeat of the exact same horrific incident, but this time with hotdogs, which leads your new friends to call you “Harry Hotdog,” when they don’t even know that’s not your real name! We’ve all been there!! 

But what if I told you there was a better way to keep your tasty meals warm for longer? From the minds behind the Invisible Toaster, comes: the Hot Refrigerator!! Got leftover lasagna from lunch time? Just throw that bad boy in the Hot Refrigerator™, and watch as your tasty meal maintains its temperature indefinitely!! 

Got another lasagna that needs heating? What are you, Garfield? Just kidding, the Hot Refrigerator™ doesn’t ask those kinds of questions! Instead, the Hot Refrigerator™ will ask you questions of mental acuity, in order to keep you sharp and on your toes!

That’s right, every time you put an item in the Hot Refrigerator™, a bear trap-like claw will ensnare your arm,* and the voice-activated lock can only be released by answering one of many various trivia questions regarding the rise and fall of the Russian tsars. 

The folks over at HQ called me crazy for installing the Dynamic Intelligence Claw Kremlinologist System (D.I.C.K.S), but my stance is firm and hard. There is no reward without risk, and the price of such awesome power cannot be measured in purely monetary terms. To use the Hot Refrigerator™ is to become divine. You must be ready to give a piece of yourself to it, before it gives all of itself to you. 

Pizzas! Pastas! Hamburgers! The Hot Refrigerator™ can do it all!!!!!** Buy it before I replace your spleen with Jenga blocks!!!! 

*Fuck You, Inc. is not responsible for lost hands, unless the appendage is only partially severed, in which case the company will partially fund amputation. 

**The Hot Refrigerator™ cannot repair a broken marriage. Deborah, please come home.

Holiday break isn’t just a celebration

Everyone has been so busy this semester, and it’s difficult to relax knowing that we have assignments due as soon as class resumes.

Not all representation is good representation

All in all, despite all the social progress we’ve made, if Western media can’t do better than this, then I would rather have them not try at all.

Astroworld’s tragedy is astronomically naive

We have already learned how dangerous unmonitored crowds of tens of thousands of people are. Why did Astroworld force us to learn this again?