1. While playing in a game, English soccer player Callum Camps was notified by the PA announcer that his car lights were on. Camps said he didn’t turn his lights off—because he couldn’t use his hands.

2. A brawl broke out between an Easter bunny and shoppers at a Jersey City mall. A man is accusing the Easter Bunny of dropping his child, while the Easter bunny is basing his defense on the fact that he doesn’t exist.

3. Jedi experts have created a real life Star Wars Jedi training school in order to teach kids the way of The Force. The school’s academics have been called into question based on overall low SAT scores, which wasn’t a surprise, after it was revealed that English was taught by Yoda.

4. While out on surveillance, a U.S Navy plane spotted the word “HELP” spelled out on the ground by a group of stranded men. Fortunately, the three individuals were rescued and safely removed from the Trump rally.

5. Ben and Jerry’s co-founders were arrested last Monday at the Capitol while protesting for action on climate change, racial justice, workers’ rights, health care, peace, safe food and water, immigration reform, and improvements in education. Meanwhile, in other news, Kylie Jenner wore a t-shirt with her face on it.

6. A Florida woman has been diagnosed with a condition in which she is allergic to herself. Doctors confirmed the condition after observing her sneeze in a room by herself.

7. A survey found that roughly half of drivers convicted of hit-and-runs didn’t know it was illegal. “Heck, I didn’t even know you’re supposed to drive with your eyes open,” one convict said.

8. A man claiming to be from the future was arrested for stealing food from Arby’s. Officials have publicly called him as liar on the grounds that no one would want to eat at Arby’s.

9. Utah has become the first state to declare porn a health hazard. When asked what they thought about the law, state officials said, “You can’t beat it.”

10. Yesterday was April 20, commonly known as National Marijuana Day, a day in which people from around the world celebrate the consumption of cannabis—or, as college students call it, Wednesday.



Dealing with a political death

Why was it now, when Bush had just died, that we all decided to voice our opinions about the man’s politics?

Michael Bublé Emerges From Year-Long Hibernation In Egg To Judge Mankind

The 43-year old Canadian crooner was seen last Sunday dividing up a crowd of Vancouver Starbucks patrons by their moral purity.

NFL falls short of inclusion

Former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Jeff Rohrer, who played in the league in the 1980s, became the first former NFL player to openly enter into a gay marriage in mid November.