Aries (March 21-April 19) – Contrary to what Will.I.Am says, most girls at UR got their bodies from their daddy’s wallet.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – Despite the security crackdown, the Frats are doing all they can to keep the transfer rate down.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – If you get a girls phone number, remember the three-day rule: Sleep with her for three days then lose her number.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – While exploring campus, you freshmen will probably see lavish portraits of people you don’t know. These are the people who will be screwing you for four years.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – I’m sure most of the freshmen came to school expecting to live an Animal House existence. Unfortunately, you’ll have to wait until spring semester for that.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – After three years of college, I’ve learned that it is never too early to start planning for Grad School. So freshmen, start sabotaging your classmates now!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Remember, if security finds alcohol in freshmen housing you’ll get in trouble. So drink every drop as fast as possible!
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – The ten second rule does not apply in Fraternity basements. Go with three.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – While scouting which sorority to pledge, remember that looks can be deceiving. Still, it’s probably the best criteria you can go off of.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – If your roommate leaves a scrunchie on the door handle, it means he’s trying to have a rodeo. Set your watch for eight seconds, then jump in!
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – Don’t have a car on campus? Zipcars are another great opportunity for UR to screw you out of money!
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – If you don’t speak English well, don’t let that discourage you from attending class. There’s a good chance you’ll be the only one to understand the professor!
(If you actually believe this, then you believe I actually care enough to give Freshmen real advice.)
