Aries (March 21-April 19) – Feeling bad about your excessive PDA? Don’t worry, it turns everyone else on.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) – The hippie party at CLC will be much more fun after you have some of their mushroom pizza.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) – Stoned? There’s a Visine for that.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) – Dating a girl with landscaping experience is great. She will certainly know how to keep a bush trimmed!
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) – As a senior, it’s nice to look back over your college years and think about all the invaluable learning experiences you blew off for some cheap thrills.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) – If you feel like your head is filling up with too much information, take some acid! It’s like spring cleaning for your brain!
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) – Don’t worry if you’re moving in with your parents after graduation, women weren’t that interested in you, anyway.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) – Creating a gift from the heart is a great way to tell your girl you’re broke.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) – Life is a stage, and we are the actors. You’re the guy working the curtains. Don’t be seen!
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) – Some say laughter is the best medicine. I wouldn’t take it for an asthma attack, though.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) – You will be greatly disheartened to learn that, despite the fact that you had fun, you still lost your intramural game.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) – Isn’t it ironic that what your grandmother always said would make you blind actually took one of your girlfriend’s eyes out?
(If you actually believe this, then you believe she really has a headache!)
