Attention students – there is an epidemic surging through colleges and high schools across the country. Even UR students have fallen victim to this disease. It is incredibly contagious and almost impossible to cure.
The name of the disease is Senioritis.
Senioritis has infected one fourth of the student body here at UR. It is far more dangerous than any other virus. Its symptoms include extreme lethargy, loss of interest in school-related activities, irritability caused by hangovers, sudden change in alcohol consumption, disruption of normal sleep pattern, and an overall happier outlook on life.
Once infected, victims cannot go within one hundred feet of libraries and, more often than not, cannot even bear to set foot in classroom buildings.
No one knows where and when Senioritis first strikes. Some hypothesize that it lays dormant in dorm rooms all summer long waiting for seniors to arrive on campus.
Then it slowly starts to infect. The disease can take anywhere from a few hours to many months to fully infect a body. Others hypothesize that it immediately infects all students their first day of freshman year but takes three years to reach maturity.
There is a strong possibility we will never know from whence Senioritis originated. No one infected has ever been able to fight it off, and those with it just don’t care.
The virus grows strongest with warm weather and sunshine. By the end of spring semester, no one is safe. Whereas it only infected one-twelfth of the UR student body before winter break, it has now spread to almost the entire senior class.
At first, victims try to fight the disease. They spend extra time at the library and attend every class. However, those extra efforts just make the victims more susceptible to the full-fledged attack. Victims beware, fighting the disease is useless. Do as it says. Skip classes. Sleep in late. Stay up all night with your fellow victims.
If, however, you cannot emotionally handle Senioritis, there is a support group. It meets at any bar, every night.
Now, Seniors, sufferers of Senioritis, in honor of our last few weeks here, raise your glasses with me in a toast.
Here’s to drinks – here’s to friends.
Here’s to a good time that never ends.
Raise your cups – tip your glass.
Here’s to time going by too fast.
Here’s to D-day, kegs, and parties galore.
Goodbye to papers, tests, and more.
In 38 days, we’ll all be free.
University of Rochester Class of 2003!
Haber can be reached at bhaber@campustimes.org.
