With the end of the semester upon us, many of you readers may have excess declining. This is a blessing in disguise. Instead of scrambling to spend all of your (not-so) hard-earned declining on junk food from Hillside, here are some alternatives.
1: Become a Declining Daddy™
One option is to reach out to those who are less fortunate and pay for their food, establishing yourself as their Declining Daddy™. Make no mistake, this is not altruism. You can successfully create a moral and social debt through this tactic. This is especially effective with upperclassmen on a commuter dining plan. You can target particularly vulnerable students by loitering around Hillside or the Pit at peak hours. Anyone buying a burrito bowl or frozen food is especially susceptible. Your upperclassmen may reward you by giving you car rides, inviting you to parties (post COVID-19, of course; absolutely no one on campus is breaking any pandemic rules right now), and buying you, a minor, alcohol (which, the author would like to state, also definitely does not happen).
2: Scalp food truck tickets
For those who don’t know, every year on Dandelion Day, the University brings food trucks to campus. You can purchase tickets for these food trucks with declining. With your excess declining, buy food truck tickets and then sell them at a discounted price to other students. This method has proven to be especially effective and profitable when you target those students who partake in the time-honored tradition of getting absolutely hammered on D-Day. However, even the most stone cold sober UR students go apeshit over these food trucks, which provide a needed reprieve from the ever-increasing disgust they have for on-campus dining. Broke and/or drunk Meliora students would fight a pack of wild raccoons for these food truck meals, so this is a no-brainer.
3: Take the display food from Douglass dining stations
Use your declining to enter Douggie and take the food on display.** Why do you need five large red onions you ask? You don’t. But they’re just sitting there, taunting you. Ultimately this is a bargain, and cheaper than buying them at Hillside. Paying the over seven-dollar breakfast fee can score you as many raw potatoes, peppers, onions, zucchinis, bottles of honey, etc. as you can hold. Resell the food for a profit. Let the food rot and throw it at your enemies. Maybe, possibly, only if you absolutely must, cook with it. But who are we kidding? You don’t cook. Your dorm building doesn’t even have a microwave anymore.
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Remember, these are just a few ways to spend your declining! There is no wrong way to spend your money, especially if used for personal profit. Have fun, and good luck!
**Oh, and while you’re at Douggie, you might as well grab some actual food, too.
