Halloween is this weekend, and what better time to reinvigorate your sex life than during the spookiest event of the year? Here are some strategies to spice up your monster mashin’.
1. Threesome with a ghost
If you’ve always wanted to try a little menage a trois, but you’d rather ease yourself into it, then why not try finding someone from the afterlife? Being a ghost is probably pretty boring, so they’d most likely be down. Check out that old Demi Moore film, “Ghost,” to warm up.
2. Pretending to be zombies
This one is fun! If you’re into biting, try pretending you’re a zombie, and bite your partner (not too hard though). Once you’re both zombies, you have to move twice as slow, only speak in disgusting, unintelligible gargles and rasps and jerk your body around as if you’re fighting against rigor mortis. Have fun!
3. Pumpkin condoms
This one is self-explanatory. gourds can also work depending on the size.
4. Yelling “BOO!” when you’re about to come
This can really add some adrenaline to your Halloween night. Everyone loves being spooked, so why not bring it to the bedroom? You can also flip it around and yell “Boo!” when your partner is about to come.
5. Letting the jack-o’-lanterns watch
Ever entertained a voyeuristic fantasy? Jack-o-lanterns are excellent secret keepers, and quieter than your pet. They also provide fantastic mood lighting!
6. Fog Machine
When Buffy and Spike got it on in graveyards, there was always fog. Borrow your mom’s Amazon Prime account for the “free” two-day shipping and you can recreate that sexy atmosphere with a fog machine of your very own.
7. Painting your bodies orange (like a pumpkin)
When someone says “sexy,” what’s the first thing that pops into your head? A pumpkin, of course!
The best way to attract a mate this Halloween is to cover yourself in orange paint from head to toe to get that classic pumpkin sheen. Head on over to your local Home Depot and pick up some bold colors, it’s so easy! Make sure you get water-based paint, not silicone!
8. Sex in your costumes
If you’ve ever been curious about role-playing, Halloween is a great place to experiment. It’s convenient—you’re already in costume!
Just imagine the potential: Ronald Reagan getting frisky with Ursula! Ace Ventura and a sexy nurse getting it on! The Cat in the Hat humping the yellow Power Ranger!
The possibilities are endless.
9. Quoting ‘Monster Mash’
This Halloween classic is chock-full of lyrics to really crunch your leaves. Bobby Pickett knew exactly what he was doing when he wrote lines like “my monster slab began to rise,” “the coffin-bangers were about to arrive” and of course, “the ghouls all came.” Thrusting to the beat is encouraged.
10. Summoning Demons
What better way to spook up the bedroom than by holding a satanic ritual pre-coital? It really gets the blood going, and I heard Satan is pretty kinky.
Polcyn-Evans is a member of the class of 2017.
