Courtesy of Abtsliving.com
The University’s admissions department announced plans this past weekend that would revolutionize their recruitment strategy forever.Using the website Rent-a-hottie.com, the admissions department plans to rent “cool-looking college hotties” and place them around campus in order to “boost the aesthetic appeal of the college to perspective students,” Dean Greggory Forrester said.
“We wouldn’t use too many, you know. Not so many that people would catch on, but just enough so that high school seniors can walk around and think to themselves, ‘Hey, maybe not everyone is ugly at this school, I guess I’ll apply!’ and then boom, win-win for everybody!”Rent-a-hottie.com is a website that was created by Elvis Ramcheck and Tedward Baggage, two fraternity brothers out of SUNY Geneseo that supply attractive college students to unattractive colleges to increase their campus’ overall hotness.
“Ya, we get most of our calls for big reunions or pre-frosh open campus weekends, etc. But basically, anytime you want some smokin’ hotties just chillin on your college campus, we’ll get them there,” Ramcheck reported smugly. “Just no touching.”
Although the UR administration seems to support this endeavor fully, not everyone on campus is excited about these new bombshells set to stroll Rochester’s hallowed halls.
“If I wanted to be surrounded by attractive students, I would have gone to Binghamton, Geneseo, Fredonia or literally any other college in America,” sophomore Mike Nelson said. “But I came to college to learn, not waste my time flirting with ‘hot’ people. I don’t even know how I would react if I were to ever meet one face to face.”
“It’s prostitution, simple as that. You make a call to ‘rent’ someone for the day and they get paid for their services, like a whore,” UR senior Bethany Burnt-Crab exclaimed. “These poor men and women selling their bodies for what? Just to make a quick buck? It’s sickening.” Countering Burnt-Crab’s sentiments, Rent-a-hottie.com model Kelly Kingston claims that working as a “hottie” has been, “The best job I have ever had. I get paid to stand around in a tank top and play Frisbee with my hot friends. I’d be doing that at my school anyway, so why not get paid for it? But the job does have its drawbacks. It’s tough not to feel bad for kids in Rochester. I mean, I don’t even think they’ve even seen anything bigger than C’s before. It’s just sad.”
The kind-hearted, selfless act of charity displayed by Rent-a-hottie.com is reported to be 100 percent effective in increasing the number of college applicants, so long as the school follows the “Big five of Rent-a-hottie.com.”
1. Make sure to supply ample UR paraphernalia, Frisbees and super soakers to the hotties while they play.
2. Make sure to run anywhere from 100 to 150 tours on the Rent-a-hottie.com spring and summer days.
3. Be sure to keep the quad and other outdoor areas free of UR “uggos.” Dangerously high uggo levels will counteract the effectiveness of the hotties and sabotage the event.
4. Do not, under any circumstance, interact or make eye contact with the hotties. They are not used to “uggo” interactions and may startle easily.
5. Finally, and the importance of this rule cannot be stressed enough, no touching!
Rent-a-hottie.com has been proven to be so successful and profitable that it has recently been announced that the NCAA football “Rent-a-hottie.com Bowl” will be played on New Year’s Day in place of the less sexually attractive “Capital One Bowl.” However, UR students still remain unaware of sports and their accompanying championships.
Rubenstein is a member of the class of 2011.
