Aries (March 21&-April 19) The more you smile, the more everyone is wondering which pledge you’re screwing.
Taurus (April 20&-May 20) Skinny ties are hawt; matching socks that make you look like a member of the stimulated middle class are not.
Gemini (May 21&-June 21) You frequently find yourself in a sea of ignorance during normal conversation of current events. Maybe it’s time you learn to read the newspaper or turn on a TV now that Juicy Campus is gone.
Cancer (June 22&-July 22) Be mindful of others interested in you and your significant other. Basically get ready to f*ck a bitch up.
Leo (July 23&-Aug. 22) You’ve been up for days. Stop popping the Adderall and go to bed.
Virgo (Aug. 23&-Sept. 22) Your Facebook status can cause more damage than the fact you’re married to your ‘bromance.”
Libra (Sept. 23&-Oct. 22) Use your gift of one-liners this weekend on the Frat Quad. You’ll wake up in either Sue B., Hoeing, Gilbert or Tiernan.
Scorpio (Oct. 23&-Nov. 21) Spin that record, baby.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22&-Dec. 21) Secure your monkey before any of your close friends decide to come over.
Capricorn (Dec. 22&-Jan. 19) Spring break in Cancun? 3,000 miles is perfect for a sexual orientation vacation.
Aquarius (Jan. 20&-Feb. 18) I bet now you’re excited you never studied in the PRR since it’s full of Asbestos… and secrets.
Pisces (Feb. 19&-March 20) You are the man.
