In a heartwarming attempt to reach across the aisle, University President Sarah Mangelsdorf has released a cover of Taylor Swift’s 2019 gay anthem, “You Need To Calm Down.” The cover’s release is meant to touch the hearts and minds of the youth, specifically those on campus who support graduate student unionization.
“I figured, these kids aren’t responding well to administrative silence, and what better way to get them to understand than by covering a beloved bop by our queen Taylor Swift!” Mangelsdorf exclaimed in our interview (she seemed unaware that “You Need To Calm Down” is more than 5 years old — perhaps a symptom of her lack of interest in current events).
“I’m a huge Swiftie, and I know how much the kids these days really take her music to heart. So I figure, good ol’ Tay Tay Swizzy is the bridge to make my anti-union stances clear — maybe these damn kids will finally shut the hell up.”
Mangelsdorf cleverly adjusted the original lyrics to stay in keeping with her anti-worker ethos; singing, “And I ain’t trying to mess with your self-expression / But I’ve learned the lesson that stressin’ / and obsessin’ over fair wages is no fun / and student loans never broke my bones.”
The original intent of “You Need to Calm Down” was famously a takedown of homophobia, and Mangelsdorf astutely recognizes this in her reinterpretation. “I want to make it clear to our community that I consider all of our students equal here at Rochester. So to my LGBTQ+ students, I say ‘don’t worry — the straights don’t get a union, but you also do not get a union.’”
The song was accompanied by a music video featuring Mangelsdorf smiling kindly and shaking her head at groups of protesting students, as well as her laughing in slow motion as she denies a graduate student bereavement time. “Taylor Swift, like me, is a girlboss who I feel would really be behind this message. In a way, I think I’m really channeling not just her music, but her mind. I have no doubt that if we solicited a visit from Ms. Swift, she would be happy to perform for all students who signed a contract not to unionize or ever question my authority.”
