Ever had a bad day and looked up something like “baby penguins falling over” or “penguin malarkey” or even “penguins have no legs”? We’ve all done that for a quick shot of dopamine, and that’s because penguins are scientifically proven to be 100% bonafide Little Guys™. We are human — it is only natural that we cannot get enough of them. That’s why just about every zoo on the planet has several of the little guys atop some rocks with ample swimming liquid below.
You’ve heard that everything’s bigger in Texas, right? Then you’ve obviously never heard of Australia, the land of the large lads, with beer cans larger than a newborn, and flightless birds large and angry enough to kill a man. It is only natural that there exists the largest baby penguin ever in the history of penguins in the one and only Sea Life Melbourne Aquarium. If you’re not familiar with Pesto, imagine a baby penguin, then supersize it. This guy is twice as large as any of his siblings and even larger than his parents. He is anything but a little guy. His stature is … actually a little bit suspicious.
I’d wager something out of the ordinary is going on here. Might the Australian CIA be involved? There could possibly be an array of microwave antennae under that bushy coat. Or what if it’s just a science experiment gone too far? Pesto could be two penguins in a trench coat as a publicity stunt to draw more tourism. What about a single small Australian child acting as an internal puppeteer? What are the Australian child labour laws anyways? Or what if it’s just an Aussie furry? Pesto does give wicked uncanny valley vibes, just like this Japanese man.
A baby penguin is the perfect disguise for something nefarious. It’s cute, so of course it can do no wrong. But this seems too suspicious to be a coincidence. Is Pesto’s stature and girth a statistical outlier? How good is our dataset for juvenile penguin heights and weights? Does this conspiracy go all the way to the top? These and many more questions are all things we must ask ourselves to stay woke and prevent the spread of not-penguins.
Addendum:
While trying to best convey the magnitude of this penguin to you dear reader and otherwise illustrate Pesto, I noticed a dearth of in-comparison pictures between Pesto and a standard sized baby penguin. This must be due to how laughably huge and unrealistic this not-bird is. It’s clearly a deep state surveillance drone, as the oddity may draw the attention of global dignitaries.
