A culmination of months of protests by hundreds of student and community members demanding the University take a monetary and vocal stand against the war in Gaza, UR’s administration announced Thursday that they will be quadrupling investments in Israeli defense suppliers.

In a joint press conference with Israel Aerospace Industries CEO Boaz Levy, UR President Sarah Mangelsdorf said the University will be targeting its dollars at supporting humanitarian interventions like “total annihilation” and “carpet bombing campaigns against residential and healthcare facilities.”

“We’re proud to take a stand on the side of human life,” Mangelsdorf said before posing for a picture in a military general’s uniform with a large ceremonial sword. “History will shine brightly on this commitment.”

Within six months of the deal, according to the newly-released investment strategy report, the University’s endowment will be largely tied up in the production and sale of UAVs, land mines, nuclear-capable submarines, and crowd control weapons.

Vexingly, several of the student and community activist groups involved in the prior months’ protests demonstrated against the announcement, slandering it as “exactly the opposite” of what they were asking for and “seemingly the only way administrators could have made things worse.”

“These past couple months were a learning experience. We had to really sit down and engage with stakeholders, to take diverse input from our student body before charting a course forward,” Mangelsdorf said during the announcement. “We think we’ve landed on a future that everyone can appreciate.”

The University’s unofficial chapter of Students for Justice in Palestine issued a statement following the press conference. Unfortunately, the group did not use the exact words everyone wanted to hear, so it will not be printed here.



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