Something’s been bugging me recently, and it’s not that weird dream I have all the time where I’m a dog and start barking and then I wake up and realize I wasn’t actually asleep, just barking in public again. No, this is something far more sinister.
I was able to sneak into a recent meeting between the Dean and some other University officials (don’t ask how — it was an elaborate scheme involving a pair of camo pants and some Twizzlers) and I overheard a plan they will implement sometime in the next couple of weeks. Known as Operation B.O.B. (Big Ol’ Bees), they plan to release a swarm of mechanical bees on campus to survey the student population and exert some form of mind control. I know what you may be thinking — this sounds a lot like that one “Black Mirror” episode. Well, it’s often said that art mirrors life, and it seems that life finally caught up with Netflix because this is happening.
These sophisticated androids will be able to record speech, memorize faces, and even release radio waves that can disrupt human thought patterns. Additionally, they can mimic voices. I saw this firsthand in a video clip that was played for the Dean. In it, a UR student was walking down a dark hallway in the library, and a voice could be heard saying, “Hello, student. I am NOT a mechanical bee. Would you like a lollipop?” The student then follows the voice, and the bee flies into his ear, no doubt to enact some sort of evil plot. I was horrified by this video, and almost blew my cover in the meeting, but luckily, dear reader, I was able to cry silently into my emergency pillow I had with me.
It has been incredibly frustrating trying to relay this information to my peers, who think that I’m “joking,” “just being weird,” or “day drinking again.” I finally decided to try to reach a broader audience through the Campus Times. I approached the editors with the story and they said it would be “great for the Humor section.” I insisted that I was being serious and that this should be front-page news everywhere, but they kept saying it was “really funny.” This is why this article has sadly been relegated to the Humor section. However, this is more serious than my tears when my dad told me that I was a bad rapper when I was 13. Do not read this article and laugh, but be inspired to mobilize and take action.
Your first thought might be, what can we, as students, do about this issue? Well, there is good news. I have been working on a combative robot to neutralize the mechanical bees. I call it the F.R.O.G. (Frog Robot Operation Gang). I have perfected a robot frog that can snatch these bees from the sky, but I don’t have enough cash to finance building more than one. That is where you come in, dear reader. If you Venmo me at @ColintheCoolest, you can help me finance this project. I would never ask for a handout, but this is for the safety of everyone on this campus. Thank you for your time.
