BREAKING NEWS:
After recent reports of a “Hat Man” appearing at 3 a.m. in Gleason Library, Rush Rhees is closing off Gleason from 2:59 a.m. to 3:01 a.m until further notice.
Students are advised not to approach the library during this time as we, the Anomaly Containment Unit (ACU), try to contain the threat.
According to the students who reported seeing the “Hat Man,” he was described to have “appeared within the intersection of reality and imagination, in the world between sleepiness and wakefulness.”
In our professional experience, we believe that the appearance of the Hat Man was caused by the recent upsurge in tired students pulling all-nighters in Gleason. If the appearance of the Hat Man is not properly dealt with, it will have grave consequences upon the student population.
Be aware that the consequences will range in severity on a scale proportional to the amount of students that have not had at least 8 hours of sleep, for the Hat Man gains power in proportion to the amount of tired students.
In order to contain this anomaly, we have decided to implement Project Sleep.
The Project consists of multiple steps, each one to convince people to 1) Get at least 8 hours of sleep, and 2) Stay away from Gleason during the time period of 2:59 a.m. to 3:01 a.m. (very important step).
In order to do that, we will implement a wide variety of plans:
We will play lullabies across campus.
We will project densely informational yet numbingly monotonous recordings of lectures.
We will bargain with “The Weather Man” for more rain to encourage students to stay inside and rest more.
We will ensure that your pillows are ever so soft, that your blankets are satisfyingly heavy, and that your bed is so comfortable such that you may get the best sleep possible.
Once we get the funding, the day may even come when we can give everyone their own plushie to accompany them to sleep.
For now, we need your help in stopping the Hat Man. When you see a student that clearly isn’t getting enough sleep, please send them back to their dorm and tell them to rest up.
It is important that we stop the Hat Man before he gains enough power to terrify us all.
