In a nation crumbling under economic pressure, political strife, and the imminent threat of global warming, there’s clearly one issue that should take precedence above all others: my love life.

“Now, wait just a minute!” I hear you cry, but listen: there’s only so much one can worry about the future of our planet when you’ve no one with whom to share that immeasurable dread. 

Who am I supposed to stare longingly at from within my sulfur-filtering helmet? Or what about when humanity is adrift on a long-since-risen sea, and I have no one to commiserate with? Think about me, all alone in prison after getting arrested for protesting a 100% tax rate on an income over $12.39! Who will bail me out? Who will be sitting next to me? Who is going to sneak into the security booth, and send a talking guinea pig with a key around their neck down the air ducts to chew through my handcuffs? I bet you didn’t think about that, naysayers. 

So, what’s a single girl to do when she has no one to do things of questionable legality with? Download more mindless scrolling apps that claim  to replicate the feelings of physical introduction of course! That is to say: dating apps. On each of my profiles, I input the most riveting of information:

Age: 21

Occupation: Student

Status: Single and ready to mingle

Hobbies: Netflix, Adventures

Bio: If I swipe right on you, it’s only for your dog. Hit me with your best dad joke

I am entirely confident that you have never seen anything like this before! I’m not going to go so far as to let it be known that I enjoy things, but I felt it necessary to distinguish myself from all those other plebs who do boring things like pottery or martial arts. 

Bizarrely, though, I only matched with boring, simple minded people like Lucy, who has three cats, is pursuing a Master’s in Environmental Sustainability, and spends her weekends summiting mountains. Like, what do you even do? Have you ever heard of real hobbies, like having breakdowns or impulse shopping? 

The only remotely interesting profiles that popped up were those of identical twins UwU and OwO, although they may have been parodies, experts can’t be sure.*

Well, in order to find out if there were any more possible ways to find love, I enlisted the help of renowned relationship psychologist, Dr. Whosit Whatchmacallit. 

Watchmacallit has spent decades in the field of love and relationships, even going so far as having been rejected 359 times, stood up 87 times, and left at the altar 26 times! When I asked him what the best way to make genuine connections was, he had this to say: 

“Young people these days have a tendency to avoid in-person social interactions. If I had to give a piece of advice to those under the age of 75, it would be this: talk to that cute girl in your psych class; she probably thinks you’re cute too. Ask the sweet guy you always see in the corner at Starbucks if he’d like to share a frappe. I promise, you’ll wish you would’ve.” 

I had never heard anything more preposterous in my life, thanked him for the interview, and promptly posted a BeReal of my dog because I’m part of the movement against social media’s grip on this generation.

Moral of the story: How to find love? No one knows. If you ever hear a whisper in your mind, telling you to talk to someone without a screen behind which to retreat, that’s the devil and in this house we’re all skeptics. 

*Experts refers to the speaker, who is not an expert, and should never, under any circumstances, be believed about anything.

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