With many recent changes coming to the University of Rochester, student body reactions have varied. After all, there’s only so much uniformity that can be exhibited when half of your student body is still masking and the other half hasn’t decided to come out as Republican yet. 

One change around which the entire student body has unanimously united around is without a doubt, the price increases for dining. Each and every attendee is no doubt thrilled about paying more for the Exact Same Thing! 

Just last week I was paying $1.50 for my bagel with cream cheese, and now, thanks to UR, I go to the same place, with the same staff, who make the same amount, and buy the same bagel, with the same cream cheese, and whaddya know? It costs over $2 now! Incredible, really. 

To get a sense for just how thrilled the students at UR are, (ha, you see what I did there?) I, reporter extraordinaire, took to the streets. The first comment I got from a student was, “They raised the prices? Oh, great.” I agreed with them, remarking on the quality of the pasta, which is never overcooked, and comes with a reasonable amount of garlic that does not burn your taste buds off. My interviewee laughed, no doubt in gleeful agreement, before mentioning that they had class. I thought it a bit odd, seeing as it was 7 p.m., and also Saturday, but hey, UR is just wacky like that!

Looking forward into the future, when things will come to pass later in this nonlinear timeline, hopefully UR will introduce even funkier and fresher policies regarding something so very trivial, like the sustenance we silly little students require to function, or, actually, survive even! 

The reasoning behind this hike in prices, according to experts in The Economics, is because of such nuanced things like “Gre-ied” and “Capital ‘Tisms.” Now, normally, I’m much more of a fan of lower case letters; however, I feel an exception can be made to ensure that the future generation of Yellowjackets are paying exactly what they should for such stellar quality consumption. 

With all of this research behind me, and rows and rows of ecstatic students ahead of me, I think it best to leave this news short and sweet. Like a delectable bite of non-miserable news to populate your timeline. 

For all of you dear souls who were terrified at the prospect of underpaying for stale fries and soggy lettuce, rest assured, the University of Rochester truly has your best interests at heart <3

Tagged: prices

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An open letter to all members of any university community

I strongly oppose the proposed divestment resolution. This resolution is nothing more than another ugly manifestation of antisemitism at the University.