Every day, I wake up from my perch high up in Wilder. I wander to the common room sipping on my morning cup of joe, gazing upon the various sports fields. “Go Yellowjackets!”, I sarcastically exclaim as a yellow-and-white-blazoned batter fucks up a simple act of hand-eye coordination. I then pause and think to myself: Why the fuck are we the bees?
I can’t go anywhere throughout campus without seeing the cutest little groundhog poking its little head out to survey the student body. Thankfully, bees are seldom — if ever — part of my intercampus commute. Who made this decision? Come to think of it, groundhogs are fairly mundane as animals go. Thus, if U of R wanted their mascot to really pop, look no further than the humble beaver, nominated by founding father Benjamin Franklin as the national animal. Favored by trappers and hatters everywhere for their fur, they have recently made a resurgence in pop culture. If this is news to you, you’re simply not hip enough.
Beavers. So vogue.
With the lovable face of a muskrat paired with that irresistible tail of a platypus, what is not to love? Their sleek coat of fur to glide oh-so effortlessly through the turbid Genesee and a portly shape reminiscent of a true lady. Don’t even get me started on those phenomenal incisors.
Everyone wants to embrace their inner beaver through their fall wardrobe this year. Don’t worry, you don’t have to shill out hundreds of dollars and your kidney for any designer beaver garb, just follow these easy tips and tricks!
When it comes to choosing your color palate, stick to autumnal colors, like brown, yellow, red, and orange. Actually, just brown. Beavers seldom display a diversity of colors. Speaking of which, throw away those whitening strips if you really want to commit to the role. Those rodents wear their teeth proudly, with oh so much yellow.
There’s more to a wardrobe than just teeth! With colder weather, you will find yourself reaching for a coat. To be the beaver, make sure it’s large, fur, and very brown. Snow leopard will not cut it!
Beavers are quite modest creatures, so when you choose bottoms for your outfits, reach for pants. Corduroys, cotton, or anything else that is brown or black. Now that we’ve established the backbone of this getup, let’s talk accessories!
Scarf, belt, bag, you name it! If it’s an accessory, it’s gotta be black! The shinier the better. Beavers are semi-aquatic, thus they primarily exist in a state of forever-damp. To embrace this damp, your entire wardrobe must strive to be ever so slightly shiny. When it gets very cold, an undercoat may be vital to survival. Wetsuits can provide such comforts, while allowing you to swim in the frigid waters of the Onterio for extended periods of time, just as your rodent idols.
Speaking of damp, to really commit to the role, it would not hurt to keep your socks uncomfortably wet all the time. “Will I get trench foot?” I hear you ask. “Are you in a trench?” I reply, pointing out the absurdity of your assumption that one can contract such an illness anywhere but in a hole in the ground.
If all goes according to plan, the Parisian fashion mafia will be after you by sunrise. This ensemble is too new, even for them. I do not have much time and neither should you, assuming you followed my advice to a T, you attention-seeking whore. But the difference between you and I? You have embraced the beaver. You can swim away from this witch hunt. You can spread fashion to far off shores. And for me? I am just a man who has never experienced the true beauty of a beaver, in any capacity.
