During my first year orientation, I was given a bunch of ‘tips’ and ‘tricks’ and ‘rules’ from UR, such as time management, how to make friends, where the hospital is, yadda yadda. 

But no one was brave enough to tell me the REAL life hacks at the good ol’ U of Roc (which totally what the cool kids call it, trust me).

Anyway, since I’m not sure if I care anymore and am also in the middle of a quarter life crisis, I’m going to share with you all the nibbles of wisdom that have been shared with me. By the time you are done reading this, you will be a certified Yellowjacket. 

Without further ado, here are the best things to do during your first year on this campus:

  1. When you see Rocky on campus, run up to them and deck them in the face as hard as you can. You need to assert your dominance early on, or that steroid sideshow will make your next three years a living hell. Think about it. Why isn’t your Starbucks mobile order ready when you ordered it an hour ago? That slimy little bee has their fake muscles all over that debacle; they get sick pleasure out of watching us suffer. Make that bee fear you.
  2. Lanyards are cool! Keep wearing them forever! With your ID and keys attached to it! ResLife will love you if you lose your lanyard with your keys and ID all at once; it makes everyone’s lives easier!
  3. Order frappes at Starbucks at 10 a.m. on a weekday! They are super easy to make and everyone will think, “wow, look at that cool person, starting their day off right!”
  4. If you study abroad, when you come back to school, tell EVERYONE about how you’re a different person now! We want to hear about how you’ve matured now that you’ve drunk an espresso from a cafe in France! Do it! Now! Hurry!
  5. Forget the line at a frat party; sneak in through the basement window. Enter with style!
  6. Don’t forget fraternity mementos! Frats will think you’re so cool if you take all their stuff. As a matter of fact, if you take something like, I don’t know, say, a class composite of them hanging proudly on the wall, post a picture of yourself holding that bad boy on Instagram!
  7. Take all the free condoms from the bag on the wall in the dorms for fun! No one actually needs those anyways. 
  8. RIT is pronounced like you’re saying Ritz cracker. 
  9. Have fun?
  10. Ask a million specific questions about something that’s not relevant to everyone in lecture! We want to hear about how you couldn’t ask these questions in office hours! Yes, the whole class needs an extension for that paper because our cousin’s wedding is happening and the future mother in law has burned down the venue so it’s a whole thing. This is the kind of stuff that applies to everyone. 
  11. Don’t participate in workshops or recitations. Your TA will think you’re so cool for not participating, you mysterious little munchkin. And it will totally help your grade!
  12. Leave your bag on a desk in Rush Rhees for HOURS when you’re not there. Super cool dude 🙂

And there you go! All the things you need to know for your time at U of Roc! Take these to heart, and I’ll see ya around kool kats (I mean Yellowjackets)!

Tagged: meliora Satire tips

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