ROCHESTER, NY – This morning, members of the new student activist group “Free the Water” dumped hundreds of gallons of bottled water into the Genesee River in an attempt to “liberate the water from captivity and let it back to its natural habitat.”

For Danforth Dining Center worker Sopa de Chévere, the warning signs were there from the start. “It started last week when I was restocking. Every time I put a bottle on the floor and briefly looked away for a second, the bottle was suddenly gone,” Chévere said.  “At first I figured I was just misplacing them — but the next day I noticed a napkin on the Danforth feedback board which detailed definitively their entire plan to steal the bottles and dump them into the Genesee.”

Chévere said she tried to inform the administration and appealed for security funding, but they denied the appeal, citing Jaeger settlement and food trucks as their current spending priorities.  “They then cut my pay in half, and referred me to UCC,” she said. 

Unfortunately, not everyone at Rochester had the same insight as this valued staff member, and thus the majority of UR was completely blindsided by this demonstration. It has since sparked waves of similar protests and acts of violence on campus. Water bottles are being stolen from wandering students by particularly passionate protestors and dumped in sinks, toilets, and in some cases, thrown directly upwards in the air. (Some students cited that the sky is, in fact, a “giant floating ocean.”) We interviewed the group’s head, and inventor of the Instagram infographic, Dominic Oilfamily:

Reporter: “So like, what’s the deal here?”

Dominic: “Our group isn’t just about, like liberating water, man. It’s about uplifting. Because, like, if we firstly address the inequality between ourselves and water, we realize that as humans we have the inherent ability to express ourselves, whereas water cannot, so as good activists we must take it upon ourselves to speak for the oppressed.

R: So most scientists tend to argue that water is, in fact, not sentient. What do you say to that?

D: That is not only horribly offensive, but incredibly insensitive. If humans are only 60% water, just imagine how sentient the ocean must be. I’m insulted that —

R: Sorry to interrupt, but I have just received word that your father, Reginald Oilfamily, owns a high amount of stake in Oil-Mobile**, a competitor to Genesee Bottling, Inc. (a subsidiary of Fuck You Water Co. [a subsidiary of PepsiCo.]). Is it possible that this has any relevance to the story at hand?

D: …None whatsoever, Dave.

Events like these remind me of how wonderful it is that the system allows for such agency and make me proud to be an American. Some claim that this waste of water leaves many worried about the imminent implosion of Earth assured by our ignominious impenitence. To that I say: You can take our water, but you can’t take our freedom.

**Fox News is a subsidiary of Oil Mobile Co., Inc.

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