Second by second the clock ticks down. It’s the eve of the Hallowed, the night of all spooks, darkness reigns and —

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!! Break out the yule logs, deck the halls, it’s time for festive cheer for all.

Express gratitude for the blessings in your life. Hold hands as we gather today to enter a self-initiated turkey-induced coma.

Wait, so, which is it? It’s November. The month of football (I think the sport ball goes whee), the month of immeasurable disappointment when the leaf you step on isn’t crunchy, and as the kids say: the Thursday of the year. There is one question which haunts, jingles, and squawks in the distance — which holiday is November really about?

Let’s meet our contestants in this age-old feud:

Halloween: Residual spooks are the way of this team. They’ve got a bone to pick with the fact that Spooky Season is over the day after the holiday! Surely the discount candy deserves at least one afternoon in the spotlight before making its mandatory migration into the drawer of shame. Why must the pumpkins be smashed so instantaneously after they were enjoyed so innocently by children the night before? Halloweentown citizens argue all this, but they’re met with tough competition by the ̶c̶u̶l̶t̶ fans of…

Christmas: A real heavy hitter in this division, the holly sure is jolly the second that clock strikes midnight November first. Christmas lovers see no reason for the joy to be contained any more than it must. The tree will be up. The jingles will be jangled. And the bathroom will smell like Vanilla Bean Noelle 24/7 until Christmas Cookie drop kicks the other candles for its turn. Much of the community’s boisterous attitude comes from their commercial endorsement. Capitalism just so happens to take a break from being inherently evil and violent just in time for Timmy’s first bike!

The journey isn’t over yet, folks. Nope, it’s time to hear from our underdog, or, as some pretentious fools like to call it, “The only one that’s, like, actually in November; honestly, why are you even asking me —*” (Stacy, 19). Yada yada, Stacy. Anyway, let’s hear from…

Thanksgiving: No presents, no spooky, just the scientifically astounding spike in Facebook turkey memes. Oh, and the whole, “be grateful for what you have,” “tell the people you love that you’d be sad if they got hit by a car,” “call grandma and thank her for the socks” (that’s your best guess as to what the knitted tangles are). Football and the Macy’s Day Parade are the best this crowd has to offer. No creepy explanation for the wind and no cheery carols for the snow. Just the miserable, biting cold to remind you that no layers will ever be as good as a nose-coat.

And there you have it: the basics of what you need to know for the hottest topic of the Season, if anyone can figure out which one it’s supposed to be. Let us know what you think (or don’t if your opinion is wrong). We’ll keep you updated as this story unravels.

*I stopped transcribing the interview at this point because I realized I didn’t care

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An open letter to all members of any university community

I strongly oppose the proposed divestment resolution. This resolution is nothing more than another ugly manifestation of antisemitism at the University.